So I started seeing another new psychologist. He’s an OCD specialist. I have to admit, I’m not huge on his methods, but he’s the professional. He wants me to exposure therapy; make a list of things that upset me in a hierarchy, start exposing myself to the least stressful ones for a while to acclimate myself and work up. It’s a pretty well-known treatment method. I’m still not sure if this is really OCD; I think there’s something else going on. But he’s the professional. Sometimes I’m OK, sometimes I’m not. And there’s still the issue of the depression; I slept in until noon again today and am
Eating less. But it’s his job to make me feel better, not to make me feel good. I’ll give him a few more sessions. I still think looking into different medication might help, but I’m worried I’m putting too much faith in that. I could just be too much of a cowardly piece of shit to face my problems and do the therapy. That’s a possibility. But I think that issue is more what the existential obsessions get at than just the anxiety itself. When I feel OK, my posts almost seem hyperbolic and foolish. My last therapist probably had the right idea about looking at other problems in my life too. It’s just so much. I’ve been having fucking anxiety attacks thinking about the therapy. The guy’s a bit more intense (which is his job) though he’s warm and kind. I’ve still barely watched any of my stuff on the DVR. I haven’t watch any of the videos since Monday though, so that’s good. I think I’m too much of a coward to do what he says: start keeping a journal, starting pushing hard to do the exposure therapy. Even a small step feels so fucking hard for me. I’m such a fuck up.