I know, I know. I’m prett proud of myself, all things considered, but at this point, something that could numb the pain might be nice. I’m out with my friends, but instead of joking around with them and having fun, I’m trapped inside of my own fucking head. Small above-water moments don’t feel worth it in the throes of the worst episodes. And this new psychologist I’m seeing Monday can’t prescribe. I know it’s a mistake to place too much hope in medication, but I think it might help somewhat. Maybe he can connect me with someone who can. I wish I had some way of erasing my memories, of putting myself back to where I belonged. That would be the easiest way. I’m so tired of hurting. Fighting doesn’t even help; even giving in and giving up means more of the pain, it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t. There are better moments, but they’re harder to take solace in.