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We’re all rooting for you, man.
Tyrphanax said:
For what it’s worth, I don’t understand the attractiveness of the abuse of substances either. I can’t stand being drunk.People get dependent on them.
Yeah, I originally had a line where I said “Outside of addiction I don’t understand…” but I rewrote that entire second paragraph about ten times and forgot to put it back.
I’ve studied a lot about addiction and how it works. It’s incredibly sad.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
After a half dozen therapy sessions and several weeks of the very mild medication spike, I was finally feeling better. I managed to finish a couple of movies (sounds stupid, but under the terms of what was happening to me, it seemed to suck away my ability to enjoy pretty much anything, and it felt like a victory). For a week or two, man, I finally felt good. I felt better. Then BAM, yesterday on my lunch break at work, the compulsions fired again. I could literally feel them starting again. I cannot fucking do this shit a second time. I barely made it through it once. No disrespect to my therapist, who’s advice about reevaluating my job situation was sound, but I just want this part under control right now. It’s like a sudden, completely random relapse. I barely survived this once, I cannot fucking do this shit a second time. Please God, not again. No, for the fucking love of God, no more. I just slept for 14 hours and forgot to eat. I guess it’s back the drawing board and either go back to my therapist sometime next week, or start hunting for a new one, and while I like this guy, the thought has occurred to me. I guess on some level, I knew this wasn’t just something I could cure and move on with, but given that it seemed to show up completely randomly a few months ago, I guess that’s starting to sink in now more than ever. I don’t want to live like this. I don’t know if I can. I can’t do this again.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Hey Mike. Glad to hear from you again, but I’m sorry it’s under these circumstances.
I hate to be a further downer, but yeah… this sounds like a late-onset OCD thing. You can’t really “cure” things like this, but you can manage them. That doesn’t mean you can’t have quality-of-life: my brother went from being completely crippled by his OCD (to the point where he was in danger of dying) to now having gainful employment and a social life and all of that normal stuff. You’ve already got a job, and you’re at the age where you’re already fairly established in terms of who you are, so you’re ahead of him there.
You can do this. I know it seems like you can’t, but I know for a fact that you can. You know for a fact that you can manage this, and that you can feel better, and that you can live a normal life with everything going on, because you have been. You’re going to have to bust your ass, but you’ve already done that, and you’re already doing it as it is. I know you can do this, man.
You definitely need to keep up with your therapy, as well; even when you’re feeling good. If you haven’t looked into an OCD specialist yet, maybe now is the time.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It’s bullshit, I know. But hang in there dude. We’re pullin’ for you at OT.com.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
I’ve actually been thinking about asking Mike how he was. I’ve seen him in a couple other threads here and there lately…
Those are interesting articles, Ric. I hope something comes from them!
I hope all is as well as it can be with things the way they are, Mike. It’s been a while since we’ve gotten an update from you. Have you heard about the (fairly recent) advancements in research on OCD? Let’s hope the findings turn into something concrete soon enough for you to benefit.
http://www.biologicalpsychiatryjournal.com/article/S0006-3223(16)32380-0/fulltext
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/ocd-can-turned-switch-brain-8467009
I’m really moved, I hadn’t checked on this thread in a while, I’m genuinely touched that there was concern for me an interest in me.
As far as OCD, I have to admit, I’m partially extrapolating based on what’s going on, which is, I admit, something of a worry of mine: am I self-diagnosing myself? My therapist has mentioned compulsive behavior, but hasn’t really outright mentioned me having OCD. I’m sure the Internet Age has driven doctors nuts, and every asshole with a keyboard probably now claims to have condition X or Y. My current therapist has tried to push around, insisting that I focus on improvements in my life and my job, and I don’t know whether to be frustrated that he’s not “approaching the issue directly,” or if my excessive focus on it has transformed it into something larger than it is. I don’t know anymore. To be honest, I don’t much give a fuck. I just want this to stop. The past week or so of feeling better wasn’t bliss, but it was a fuck of lot better than this hell. Even winning, I still lose. It comes back. What’s the fucking point? I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting losing battles. Just fuck all of this.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
We’re all rooting for you, man.
I had another binge before bed. As in right now. While I type this. Fuck this shit. I feel like a fucking crackhead. Fuck this goddamn shit to hell. Last night I slept for 14 hours. I came home and went straight to bed. Didn’t eat for almost 16 hours. My mother, needless to say, noticed. I feigned “I’m just tired,” but man alive, it was rough. I literally wasted two-thirds of the day. It gnaws at me all day at work. I can function, that’s the scary part. I can go through my required script at work, I can talk to people, I can drive a car quite well. I can interact with people. I’ve tried too. I spend time with my family, I’ve gone to the movies, I go out with friends, I’ve been working my way through some thoroughly enjoyable Sherlock Holmes audiobooks (David Timson is marvelous), and I have to say, for a while, I felt like I’d made some progress. A week or so I finally felt more or less “normal” again. I actually managed to work my way through a movie (Which isn’t much, but given how this took away my ability to enjoy much of anything, it felt like something.), go out with some friends. I keep trying. But it’s six of one, half-dozen of the other. Either the constant fighting against it, or the constant giving in to it. Even when I give up, I still can’t lose. It’s just fucked. I HAVE been looking at OCD specialists nearby (as I said, no fucking clue if this actual OCD of any kind, so maybe I’m self-diagnosing), and have found a few who take my insurance. None are very close by, but I can only go through so many of these before it seems like a viable option. But even if it is, It takes time to set up. Sometimes, I feel good after one of these rants for a few minutes, before it creeps back in. I just don’t know what the fuck to do. I can’t even think my own fucking thoughts.
Fuck. I’m sorry. I just need to get this out sometimes. I wish it would help.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Hey, you said you felt good for a week or two. That sounds like fantastic progress to me! Of course you’re going to have relapses, and at first, they’re going to happen fairly often, but if you keep at it, they’ll get further and further apart. Don’t give up! You’ve made progress, and that’s the important part.
Hey, you said you felt good for a week or two. That sounds like fantastic progress to me! Of course you’re going to have relapses, and at first, they’re going to happen fairly often, but if you keep at it, they’ll get further and further apart. Don’t give up! You’ve made progress, and that’s the important part.
Yeah, this is the truth right here. Progress will always come with some amount of backslide: you find a job, you get laid off. You find a girlfriend, you break up. It happens, but what matters is that you make the progress and realize that you’ve done it before and can do it again. You’re gonna have rough patches and relapses, but like Ric said, they’ll get further and further apart as you move forward.
You’re gonna be okay, and I know that because you’ve been okay before.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Hey, you said you felt good for a week or two. That sounds like fantastic progress to me! Of course you’re going to have relapses, and at first, they’re going to happen fairly often, but if you keep at it, they’ll get further and further apart. Don’t give up! You’ve made progress, and that’s the important part.
It sure seems like feeling better was the exception rather than the rule. It almost makes the highs feel worse, like I got cheated or something. Doesn’t make any fucking sense, I know, but I feel even worse now.
Hey, you said you felt good for a week or two. That sounds like fantastic progress to me! Of course you’re going to have relapses, and at first, they’re going to happen fairly often, but if you keep at it, they’ll get further and further apart. Don’t give up! You’ve made progress, and that’s the important part.
Yeah, this is the truth right here. Progress will always come with some amount of backslide: you find a job, you get laid off. You find a girlfriend, you break up. It happens, but what matters is that you make the progress and realize that you’ve done it before and can do it again. You’re gonna have rough patches and relapses, but like Ric said, they’ll get further and further apart as you move forward.
You’re gonna be okay, and I know that because you’ve been okay before.
I don’t know, feeling any better feels like an outlier at this point. I found an OCD specialist who can prescribe (the only one who can in area and the field as far as I Can tell) online, fairly close by, and shot out an e-mail to see if she takes my insurance. It’s been a few weeks, I suppose I should set up another one with the guy I’ve been seeing, I just don’t see the point. I can’t reason with irrationality. He’s tried approaching these problems logically and point out how given my own views, they shouldn’t bother me, and he’s right, but that doesn’t stop them. It just feels like trying to put out a forest fire with a water bottle. I just don’t know what to fucking do anymore. I’ve been indulging these compulsions since I got home from fucking work. I can’t take it anymore.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
It’s not really about talking you out of doing things as much as it is learning how to manage it and cope with the compulsions.
I think setting up a joint appointment with your current guy and the specialist together would be a good plan if you can set it up.
I know things look bleak right now, but you gotta fight. Your previous successes are still successes, even if your most recent experience of defeat seems to overshadow it.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
They defiantly couldn’t do the “joint session” because of distance issue, and as far I know, are unrelated. That said, the second one I contacted hasn’t been in communication with me yet. Hopefully she’s just busy. I’m just so sick of living like this.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Probably just busy! Keep holdin on!
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
My job is getting to be fucking soulcrushing and devastating to the point I’m never not stressed out about it Even when im at home. They keep cutting back on employees to where we are literally half what we had 2 months ago, but they want just as much output. My job isn’t in any trouble as a supervisor but I’m constantly getting my ass chewed about productivity being down and when I tell them forcing everybody to do the job of 3 or 4 people isn’t going to work they look at me like I’m speaking a different language. They’re just greedy bastards. Our company is literally in no trouble the only reason they keep cutting back is to increase their own bonus to go in their pocket. Fucking pricks, I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take. Its not even that it’s the worst job in the world, although it is significantly worse than it used to be. But the work environment has gotten so fucking hostile that all I do at home is drink and stress out about going back.
Start sending out resumes?
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Being a supervisor is a good sign for employers. That’ll make it easier to find another job. If they ask why you’re leaving this job you can respectfully tell them that they were unreasonable.
The Person in Question
I want to but my job is my only real support group of people who care about me and sort of keep me in check, with the drinking and all that. (Obviously not all of them.) my fellow supervisors really look out for me. They are my best friends and even though we do see each other outside of work seeing them every day really helps me out. I’m afraid if I move on to a New job with nobody that knows or cares about me I’ll end up going off the deep end and killing myself.
Plus I’m really attached to the people that work below me. Even though they’re beneath me were still like friends (the ones that are capable of being friends with their boss and still respect my authority anyway… I do lay down the law when it’s needed.) I know that if I leave they will suffer and their jobs will get even harder. And I know that they won’t replace me and will just force the other supervisors to stretch themselves even thinner.
You don’t have to sever contact with your friends at work. As for being kept in check with the drinking, it sounds like the job itself is driving you to drink more anyway.
The Person in Question
You don’t have to sever contact with your friends at work.
I know, but it’s nice to get to see them nearly every day.
True. You’ll have to decide on whether that is worth working a miserable job.
The Person in Question
True dat.
It’s a tough situation, man.
I would say you very likely could find another position elsewhere fairly easily, but I do understand not wanting to leave your “work family”. At the same time, you shouldn’t ever have to light yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
At the end of the day, you just have to do what’s best for you (which is probably whatever keeps you sober most often, heh).
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Which is a catch 22. Because in some ways it feels like the job causes me to drink. But on the other hand it feels like I’d drink a lot more if I didn’t have people keeping an eye on me. Notcing and saying something when my eyes get sunken in, when I have purple under them, when my skin gets pale. Asking if I’ve eaten.
I get told I look tired every day, its almost getting annoying.
Anyway, I think if I was left to my own devices I would completely self destruct.
Well, you certainly don’t have to stop seeing them just because you no longer work with them, definitely. I’ve been good friends with people I don’t work with quite often.
Sometimes you have to be proactive in recovery, rather than just subsisting. You could also start attending some sort of support group to supplement your sanity if you decide to change jobs. There’s a lot you can do.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
If that is the only thing keeping you from self destructing then it’s unsafe to rely on that alone.
The Person in Question
If that is the only thing keeping you from self destructing then it’s unsafe to rely on that alone.
Indeed.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)