Vent away, that’s why we’re here.

I’m happy that your family is so supportive and open about these things. Family histories of depression are so often swept under the rug with a nice coating of “suck it up” advice, or even just ignored totally.

Keep on fighting, keep on looking for that OCD specialist (at least try to get a quick consultation with one, like I said, just to get a sense of what they think), keep trying to get away from your rituals.

I think you’re doing well. It most definitely is like swimming up a waterfall, and that’s an apt descriptor. Another good analogy I heard years back and have adopted is that depression (or really any type of psychological/addictive obstacle to overcome) is like standing in front of a brick wall that’s a million feet high. It’s daunting to look at from ground level and you’ll want to give up before you even start, but you have to climb it, and to do that, you have to take it one brick at a time. Focus on getting past one brick, then the next, then the next. Don’t worry about the whole wall, just worry about the brick in front of you. It may not feel like you’re making progress when every brick looks the same, sure you may slide back down a couple bricks once in awhile, but eventually you’ll reach the top. From where I’m standing, you’ve gotten a pretty good distance up that wall, so keep going.