Called my therapist. He had some family issues, which is why he was MIA last week. Set up another appointment for Thursday. I’ve also been looking for specialists on the International OCD Foundation’s website in my area. Don’t know if this is what’s going on, but I figure it can’t hurt. Unfortunately, as specialists, it looks like it’s hard to find one that takes my BCBS insurance. I’ll keep checking. I hope this isn’t something that severe, but if I can get it looked into for a reasonable price, I figure hey, it can’t hurt. Went to see my grandfather last night with the family for his 82nd birthday. God willing, he still has a few more, but it was nice, and we all got along well. My mother noticed I was behaving a little bit oddly though. I’m still pretty functional at work, although the compulsions largely kick in on my breaks and I haven’t had any customers comment on me being "off.
Wound up down the Internet rabbit hole a while ago regarding circumcision (something related to one the shrieking religious discussions), and further down the many activists, horror stories, etc. An obsessive personality is fun when you’re using it to find out about Mario Bava movies. In this case, decidedly less. Probably TMI, but I was as a baby, not for any religious reasons, but for the health benefits. I’ve honestly never thought about it a day in my life before this OCD fiasco; never had any health issues whatsoever, and I believe it was done by a pediatric surgeon rather than as any kind of religious ceremony or anything. Like I said, I never thought about it a day in my life before. Also wound up on a Hitchens video about gay rights (I’m a big supporter of gay rights, having always voted in their favor, though I personally don’t have any LBGT friends), Catholics, etc. Luckly, my particular brand of religion never really had a lot to say on the subject, and fortunately was never too negative with any of the “AIDS is God’s punishment nonsense” or any such garbage. Social issues are worth thinking about, and I admire those who campaign for social justice, but really, I don’t need it in a constant loop in my head, this endless, interminable, obsessive, circular behavior. I tried to watch a goddamn 20-minute Samurai Jack episode yesterday and the anxiety, compulsions, and depression started interfering and I only made it about halfway through. I’m sick this interfering in my life, I want to enjoy things again! It’s so fucking frustrating. I’m thinking about looking at a second opinion just to get more data. The therapist I currently have is a nice guy, kind and compassionate, and I like him, I just think that maybe getting more perspective wouldn’t hurt. I feel like the raging anxiety that was interfering with my ability to function at work may have burned down slightly, but on the whole, I feel like progress has been hard and slow, and I just feel more and more and more frustrated. I’m not blaming anybody; my family and friends have tried to help (my uncle called me and told me that depression runs in my family and to call if I ever needed him), my parents have of course been supportive, and my new therapist is a good-hearted guy who certainly seems to have my better interests at heart and strong desire to help. I just feel like I’m never going to be back to where I was. I guess I’m going to have to learn how to live with this, and I’m going to have to live with it from now on. Maybe I’ll never be “OK” like I was before again. Maybe I’m just going to have always fight this every day. Maybe that’s just the way it’s going to be. I don’t know anymore. Fuck. I hope this wasn’t gross or TMI or self-Pity or anything. This was another day in retail during the holidays, it’s hard enough without all of this. The compulsions are still firing every damn time I wake up, it’s that or the depression pinning me to the bed for literally half of a day. It’s just tiresome. I feel like I’m trying to swim up a waterfall. It’s just so hard.
Damn. Sorry, everybody. Just needed to vent a bit.