Fucking hell. Didn’t get an appointment with my new therapist this week because of a weird scheduling mixup at work. Another holiday weekend in retail, man, tomorrow, is going to be hell. I’m almost at the three-week mark for my increased medication. If I’m objective, I’ll admit that it does seem to be helping a little bit. I’m thinking about asking her about increasing it more, but I’m a bit worried both she and my new doc might think I’m leaning too heavily on it or looking to it as a magic cure-all. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve looked at the bottle and thought about taking more, but I know how dangerous that is. My mother opined today that she thought I seemed a bit better, but sadly, I slept through half of the day again, so I doubt it. I’m tired of this. Even if I surrender to it, I can’t even lose. It’s so hard. I went a nearly hour-long binge last night and tonight. If I’m better, it’s only a little bit, and the number of Dan Barker/Christopher Hitchens videos and Iron Chariots Wiki articles I’ve had compulsions towards has decidedly not gone done as much as I hope. I wasn’t even able to get through a 20-minute Samurai Jack episode today. I slept in until 1:00, then crashed again a few hours later until nearly 8:00. The compulsions and anxiety are now mingling with the depression. It’s just even more fun! I’m sort of starting to conclude that I’m never going to get back to where I was a few weeks ago, a comfortable intellectual equilibrium. I’m never going to “beat” this, and I’m going to have accept that every day for the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with the flood of hormones in the morning alone that cause all of this, and always be fighting it. I guess that’s just life. I hope not. But I think so. I’ve paged over several times just writing this to look at stuff. I just can’t beat this. It’s not a question of how hard I try, it’s just too strong. It’s crippling me, binding me my bed. I think I’m going to have to just accept that. I’d love to be wrong, but it’s sure hard to feel differently at this long. Scored a minor victory a few nights ago when I went out with friends and had some Fun, but dammit if it didn’t come on again. I can’t distract myself all the time. Over at the AV Club today, there was a very minor discussion about religion. My participation was minimal, but damned if it still didn’t set me off.
I can’t get away from this. I can’t stop people wearing crosses around their necks, I can’t stop driving past churches. The guy over there asked his therapist about anyone in this area, and she didn’t know anybody, but he showed me a list of nearby OCD specialists, particularly those specializing in ERP therapy. I’m going to have to start seriously considering this possibility, and the possibility that maybe I have suddenly manifested adult OCD. The terrifying horror stories he tells about losing a job, locking himself in his apartment for weeks, etc. should put my problems into better perspective than they do and show how minor my problems should be. I’m just so tired of this. I want to think about something else. I want my mind back. Fuck. I want to enjoy things again, to catch up on my DVR, my Arrow episodes on Netflix. I want this to stop. Sorry for more whining. I just feel like the minor victory I scored made the sting of falling back all the more harsh. I just don’t feel like I can beat this, I don’t feel like it’s even possible. God, help me. And another retail holiday weekend tomorrow. At least I can stress about that, I suppose.