Work has probably thrown a bit or a wrench in things. Make a real effort to try to get out and do stuff on work days as well, even if it’s just a walk. It’s so much easier to give into compulsions when you’re tired, so doing your best to get out and away from things until it’s bed time might help.
When’s your next appointment?
Well, unfortunately, management, in their infinite wisdom, messed up the schedule this week, so I wound up with a Saturday off, which unfortunately he doesn’t work. I’m trying to work around my schedule, but he probably only got my message a short time ago. A guy I know another forum who’s had some severe OCD issues offered to ask his therapist if she knows anyone in my area, which I told him I appreciate. We’ll see if he remembers. I’m still going, of course, but it just feels pointless. I mean, he confronted me directly with the heart of this issue: why does it bother you when you know your own beliefs? I was unable to answer, then as now. This just isn’t a rational enough thing for me to fight with that way. I don’t mean that in any way to disrespect what he’s trying to do, and he clearly wants to help, I just wonder if I can be helped given my giant mental block. The compulsions laid low in exchange for depression for most of today (yesterday I slept for about 18 hours), but when they came back, man, they wanted interest. I was hoping it meant the medicine was finally doing some good, but damn, when these came back, they wanted interest. Since they’re so impossible to reason with, I don’t think there’s any way to win against them. I mean, I can sit here and tell you they’re irrational just like I did him, but can’t fight them. Even if I surrender, I can’t be left along. It feels to defeating.
Sorry for the pity party. Just…God, it was rough.