I searched for “horror movies full” on YouTube and skimmed the results until a thumbnail tickled my fancy. I watched the movie. Then I clicked the next recommended video that was a full length movie. This is how I roll. I am living life to the fullest here.

First up, YouTube told me it was called “Unnatural” but the title onscreen was “Maneater”. It was made in 2015 and has the plot where a genetically engineered animal escapes and eats people, until it gets stopped. This one was set in the snow. They somehow managed to get James Remar, Graham Green, Ray Wise and Sherilyn Fenn to star in this. Poor Sherilyn has succumbed to the ravages of age and, owing to the fact that I’ve seen her in nothing but early to mid 90’s stuff before today, she was the scariest part of the entire movie.

I give it 1 Botox injection out of 5.

Next, a steaming pile of fetid putrescence masquerading as a movie - “The Hollow” (2015).

Three Emo teen sisters (or whatever Emos are called nowadays) go to live with their aunt on an island after their parents die. “It’s Halloween, and there’s a storm coming!” a worried local helpfully warns. The dialogue is expositional and stilted and the plot is belly-button fluff. The whole thing is bad and it’s about 40 minutes too long (a lot like this post.)

Despite clear evidence that the threat is supernatural everybody runs around with guns and shoots at it. Bizarrely, some of the locals survive by hiding in a large freezer - because apparently the vengeful spirit of a murdered witch just can’t deal with refrigeration equipment. A dog dives through a car window for no reason! EVERYTHING IS A JUMP SCARE!! The three teen leads are actually very good actresses and deserve better work in their careers than this tripe.

It’s so bad it’s actually kinda fun though so I’ll give it 2 and a half Canadian-tax-breaks out of 5.

What a wild Saturday night that was.