Well, I think the compulsions want revenge for me defeating them at all. They’ve been at a hellish new pitch. I want to sleep. It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning. I’m beginning to feel that any attempt to fight this are an excercise in futility. I’m going to try to sleep. Unless I have more compulsions.
Get rid of your computer and smartphone.
The computer belongs to my parents with whom I live. As for the phone, in spite of the compulsions, I use it for all kinds of things besides the compulsions: this, lots of stuff that I read, checking online for various things, some related to my Job, etc. Even then, with how late I’m staying up, I could probably play with my dad’s at night anyway.
I had more attacks this morning. It’s just endless. I’ve been raising my medicine, getting tested, having intense therapy, excercising, but it just feels like all of my work is for naught, like I can’t win. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so defeated.