Got another appointment with my new shrink tomorrow. Have been on the new dosage for four or five days now, I’m sure it’ll take longer if it does anything. I went out with the family for Father’s Day, ate out with them, did some talking, and then when I got home, decided to talk a walk. The compulsions came on like a storm while I was on my walk, so still not much luck. I don’t even know what to think anymore, much less what to do. I’m going to tell him the truth tomorrow: that even with the effort I’m putting in, I don’t feel like I’m getting any better. I don’t know how he’ll react or how I’ll tell him. I copied some of the stuff I’ve been writing here to show him as sort of journal pages, I’ll print it out before my session tomorrow. I know I’ve barely even been at the therapy for two weeks. I know I haven’t even been on the new meds for a week. I get that. I do. And I get that the time I spend in bed with mind in a feedback loop, curled up with a Gameboy game and some audiobooks thay used to be familiar ways to comfort myself don’t constitute the best way of facing this problem. I do know that. But I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been trying. I’ve gone out several times, walked several times, tried to get some stuff out several times, even watched a few TV episodes and a movie to try to push against this thing. But I just don’t feel like I’m making progress. The times I have felt any better eventually waned and were outnumbered by the times I felt worse. I’ll see what he says after tomorrow’s session. I even tried the breathing excercises he gave me and the massage excercises my mother’s friend’s therapist taught her that she showed me. I just feel like it’s like trying to fight a forest fire with a water bottle. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so goddamn frustrated.

Edit: see, I feel better for like five minutes after I do this, then it’s back to hell.