Here’s a potential bit of restructuring that can help the removal of the cutaway to the Resistance HQ feel more organic.
https://vimeo.com/170889793
After Han is killed and Hosnian Prime is destroyed, Kylo Ren starts to hobble toward Finn and Rey, who begin to run away. Cut to the areal dogfight, and a pilot notes that they now have a chance to infiltrate the oscillator. Cut back to Finn and Rey making for the Falcon and encountering Kylo Ren. After Rey and Kylo begin to fight, cut to the X-wings descending toward the trench.This would bump the pilots noticing the damaged oscillator up to right after it happens, and cover an otherwise awkward cut.
Also, there’s a quick cutaway during the trench run to Hux being informed the base is almost ready to fire. But, that’s easily removed.
Very nice work once again Hal 9000. This is big improvement over the way 'Noodle_Finger’s edit did things, where he merely just removed the ‘cutaway’ to the brief Resistance HQ scene…leaving the join between the ‘Rey & Finn turning to leave’ shot and the ‘Rey & Finn scrambling into the forest with explosions behind them’ shot looking like too much of a rough ‘jump-ahead-in-time’ edit.
Your notion to split up the ‘X-wing dogfight’ sequence and place part of it in-between those 2 particular ‘Rey & Finn’ shots definately works well, and lets things breathe a lot better now.
I’d settled on something similar, although I have a slightly different structure in mind for myself you might be interested to hear -
It would be the same as you’ve shown in your clip, except that I’m planning cutting at the END of the shot in the ‘dogfight’ when we see the distant explosion on the planet’s surface as Poe’s voice says “Looks like our friends got in”…
…THEN I’m going to the ‘Finn & Rey scrambling into the forest with explosions behind them’ shot at this point, as we continue with Finn getting beaten by Kylo, and then cut as Kylo & Rey clash lightsabres as normal…
…and I’m intending to return to the ‘dogfight’ at this point like yourself, EXCEPT I’m starting with the close-up of Poe saying “Red Four, Red Six…cover us!” instead, as the pilots respond, and he continues saying “Everybody else, hit the target hard and give it everything you’ve got”, before they then go on to dive downwards towards the oscillator trench.