The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 25

Great advice in the last three posts. I have nothing to add that wouldn’t just be repeating what they said.

Keep fighting the good fight, everyone!

Darth Lucas said:

Mike O said:

I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.

Don’t even think like that man. I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental problems that I won’t share here, I’m mostly better and it’s not important, but one of my best friends suffers from many mental disabilities, OCD being the main one and (not that cancer isn’t serious, but) OCD and other mental illnesses are in my experience much more debilitating and hard to deal with.

Knowing as much as I do about the many conditions I have, I definitely know that I got off fairly lightly. Aspergers, OCD, anxiety, and depression can have effects to horrific to think about for some people. Man, do a quick Google search, you’ll see it destroy lives, families, relationships, and lots of other things. I got off lightly. Doesn’t make it any less frustrating, but I have to admit, it doesn’t exactly make me feel great when I think about how operatic I’ve made my own lesser problems.

I understand how it feels to feel like your problems aren’t really important when compared to other people’s issues. Skin cancer, when compared to other cancers, is really not that serious and is much easier to live with and treat, so I always feel a bit of guilt putting myself in the same category as those dealing with lung cancer, or breast cancer, or something more serious.

Hey, man, I want to say the same thing to you that you did to me, and that’s not to worry about that. Cancer is about as scary a thing as I’d like to imagine, so do whatever you can to fight, and fight like hell. I sure hope that you’re strong enough to beat it and that you get the help you need.

What you need to remember though, is that even if you feel other people have it worse, that doesn’t devalue your own struggles or invalidate them. Your life is valuable and if something, anything, is getting in the way of living your life, it should be taken extremely seriously.

Hell, thanks, man. I went out again with a buddy tonight to pizza and the movies. X-Men: Apocalypse deals with a lot of these themes in a very genre way (gods, Angels, mythology), so it wasn’t thrilling to have this stuff put so blatantly, but all the same, I did try. My mind did start a lot of buzzing: “It says BCE! I remember all of this ‘religion is dying’ talk! Look how this stuff ties into all of these important cultural aspects though! Blah, blah, blah.”

I have such a small social circle that it’s hard to do this kind of stuff. That’s not a criticism of my friends or anything, hell, far from it. But I do at least recognize that staying at home alone isn’t the best thing for this. The compulsions started spiking again when I got home, and that wasn’t exactly fun. I slept in until almost 2:00 today. Damn, man, this stuff messes with my appetite, what little libido my virginal self has, and my life in general. I used to think that well, if I did stuff to get away from it, I was just running from it, but more broadly, I think that it’s healthy too. OCD by definition isn’t rational, so doing something that can force my attention away from it is probably positive. I’ve reacquainted myself with Final Fantasy VI too, one of my all-time favorite things, and that repetition does give me a little comfort and structure. One of the things I’ve come to realize on a more personal level is that when I was in school-and at the risk of sounding arrogant, I was a damn good student, and diligent-I had very specific structure. I guess it made my life purposeful: study for this exam, think about this class, get an A. I guess I naively thought that once I got out of school, there’d be some sort of reward. Obviously, life doesn’t fucking work that way, and I think it got me directionless after that. I don’t know where to start looking for anything new at this point, I’ve been stag an and stuck so long. My grandfather just turned 82, I live in fear of losing him. You can bet I’ll be spending some of my vacation time with him. God willing he still has a few more years at least. No one thinking about an afterlife scares the hell out of me.

I know it’s fiction, but you can only see so many stories about adolescent sexual awakening before you think you missed a major part of life. Fuck, I’ll be 29 next week. “I want to lose my virginity, I’m questioning my religion, I’m awakening to different politics than my family’s, maybe I could be an activist, I should move out of my parents’ house, maybe I should learn to play an instrument, maybe I could write a book,” this shit is supposed to happen when you’re 18 so you fucking know where you want your life to go, not when you’re over a quarter of the way through it! I’m a fucking Lena Dunham millennial cliche. Pissed away so much of my youth now that it almost feels hard to think I could move forward.

Why can’t I focus on this instead of being upset and obsessive about atheists and such who have no bearing on my life or my own views? Shit, there’s a place for existnstial crises, but I think my therapist is 100% right to try to shift the focus towards these things. I think it’s true that many “existential problems” are a mask for nuts-and-bolts issues that people make operatic because they can’t solve them. I mean God, I’m telling them to strangers on the Internet (Incidentally, I’m supposed to be hanshotfirst1138. I don’t know how I wound up as Mike O to this day.). My doc is right about how I have to learn, especially with my overactive mind, about the overstimulation of the Information Age. Man, I can only imagine how hard it makes his job. Shrinks these days must have an insane job.

Sorry for all of this. It’s rambling, I know, but it feels good to unscramble sometimes. At least it gets all of this down, and some of it out. Sorry, everybody. I guess at least I’ve organized this a bit. I hope my ramblings aren’t too irritating. I feel a little better, at least temporarily. Not a lot, but it did feel good to get that out. Goddamn. That did feel good. Won’t last, but it felt good.

EDIT: Didn’t last. The compulsion struck again while lying in bed. God Almighty.

Yeah man, just vent away. Helps to write stuff down.

Just focus on getting better for now. It would be much harder to focus on this if you were out on your own where you feel like you “should” be now. Shit a lot of people don’t have their lives together until they’re well into their 30s these days. I probably won’t myself. But you’ll be further ahead on the journey of mental health than a lot of people who get out on their own early, believe me.

Don’t worry about how you feel like you should be doing, just do the best you can do for you.

Fucking hell, it’s 2:00 in the morning and the compulsion came on strong as hell, and damn did I indulge it. As outlined above, I know that as “problems” go, I shouldn’t be attaching so much to this one, but I hate this crap. I feel like it’s fucking destroying me, and it’s literally controlling me. I’m going to try to sleep again. It’s just so frustrating to feel this happening. I’m so tired of this, it’s hard to feel like I’ll ever be better.

Sometimes a 2AM headclearing walk does wonders!

I’m sorry, I have to get this out again. I don’t know what else to do. I had a cry in my car today, but the compulsions came back all the same. It’s them or the obsessive anxiety. Again, watching vitriolic anti-religion videos which articulate something wholly separate from my own viewpoint. Christopher Hitchens, Dan Barker, etc. I can name you all of these names. “This is all silly, a homeless man is insane saying the same as a preacher, I can’t believe grown adults believe this, we as as species should outgrow this from the infancy of our evolution, it’s poisonous, it devalues people, it leads to theocracy, it allows us to abdicate morality and responsibility, people wouldn’t believe it if they weren’t taught it as children, the problem of evil,” the list goes on and on. It’s always the same arguments, I’ve heard all of this before. But I can’t stop. Indulging the compulsions makes the compulsions stronger. I even returned to the thread that started this whole mess at DVD Talk. I can’t stop. I physically and psychologically feel like I cannot fucking stop. It’s a twisted paradox. This isn’t altogether new. Back in my high school years, a single bad review of a film I liked could torpedo my whole day, as I’d obsessively search through message boards, reviews, etc. One person disagreed with me! Everything I believe is a lie!

What I can’t get over is the fact that these obsessions, frustrations, and anxiety attacks are attached to something different from my own personal philosophy. As someone who isn’t a hardcore theist anyway, why does this bother me? Why didn’t it bother me when I heard it on House, Bones, or True Detective for years? As previously outlined, I have never attempted to participate in any discussion regarding my own personal beliefs, nor do I believe that my own Catholic upbringing (and broad beliefs) constitute the “true” answer. In metaphysical and philosophical terms, I believe there are many paths to spiritual understanding, religion and faith being powerful ones for many, but by no means the only ones. My mother, another guy I know, their faith is powerful, giving them strength and purpose. I don’t describe it as “silly,” or mock it. I don’t believe the Bible has the answer to everything in life, so why am I upset with people criticizing those who do? As I’ve outlined, I have no patience for bigotry or homophobia inherent in many nasty aspects of this, and my own views are much more progressive, but it doesn’t constitute reason for me to wish to fight against it. It gave me community, love, family, morality, education. No, of course I don’t believe that without it, I wouldn’t have those things. I could. No, of course I don’t believe that atheism equals immorality. It doesn’t. Nor do I believe in many of the social or political positions of the church, or defend many of its immoral actions throughout history. All the same, neither do I feel the need to focus only on this when there are positives as well. I see an inherent complexity to much of this without easy answers. Beyond all of this, it’s an important part of my own cultural upbringing, and I’m not interested in chucking it all out. Nor do I use it as a condemnation of other people for sexual and personal reasons, etc. I remain fairly non-judgmental in these regards. I don’t need to become Christopher Hitchens, nor do I have to take his own ideas as mine. But I can stop repeating what I heard in my head, over and over, like a CD on repeat, racking through my mind. As my therapist pointed out, people with other viewpoints will always be out there. These videos are always going to be accessible on the Internet. The kind of activists are always going to be active. I have to learn to live with this, because there isn’t Any way to simply forget it or push it away. I prefer to focus on the morality and kindness of a person’s actions than whether they offered them in the name of religion, humanism, or any other philosophy. As outlined in previous pages, my own is very compatible and fairly even. I am not interested in fighting against religion. I would never judge a person for belief or disbelief, of loss of faith in the face of loss of the problem of evil. That’s fine. I both respect and understand that, and I used to be comfortable with allowing it to coexist with own personal philosophy.

I just can’t understand why someone criticizing something different from my own beliefs, and only partially since I agree with some of the criticisms, constitutes a reason to for me to become so upset. It’s nonsensical to me. Why can’t I just go into my mind, put this on a shelf, and move on with my own life? Why must I have anxiety attacks seeing crosses around peoples’ necks or hearing religious references in X-Men films? I’m tired of this. It was such a beautiful day today. Just gorgeous. Stunning. The sun was shining, it was warm, I got to spend time with my loving family, I’m on paid vacation, I have an air-conditioned, comfortable home, supportive mental health professionals. Why can’t I concentrate on that? Why must I instead bear this burden?

I know that it’s important to have realistic expectations. I do understand this. I have only had a few sessions with my new therapist, and only been on my mildly adjusted medication for a few days. But I’m trying. I really feel like I’m trying. I tried to resist the compulsions with the breathing excercises he gave me, but they didn’t work. Even when they did, the compulsion came back stronger. I tried going out with a friend the other night. I tired going to a movie. I tried watching a show on my DVR. I tried watching my Redbox disc. But it feels like it’s all for nothing. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.

What in my mind is even my own anymore? What do I really think? If these compulsions, depression, anxiety, Aspergers can be this all-consuming, this powerful, this controlling, where is Mike in all of this? What’s left of me? How can I trust my own mind? If these things can control me, what even defines me? This is so stupid. So silly. Why can’t I just stop? Why am I drawn to these things which never bothered me before? Can the medicine even help? Can the therapy? Why can’t I focus my attention on the aforementioned real-life issues? Why can I refocus my obsessions towards happier times when I could instead obsessively read the Final Fantasy Wiki or behind-the-scenes stories about kaiju films? Why can’t I enjoy the things I used to love, the things which brought me passion and happiness? What in God’s name is happening to me?

Here come the compulsions again. It’s like having my mind hijacked. I can’t fight. This is effecting everything: what little virginal libido I have, my appetite, my sleep Schedule, God only knows how I’m going to function when I have to go back to work. I just can’t keep fighting this pointless, losing fight. I don’t know what the fuck to do. As I’ve said, I’m not a praying, Bible-reading kind anyway. Why does this bother me? Why can’t I stop? What’s happening to me?!

I a health feel better after I do this for like five minutes. Same after therapy sessions. Isiah I could make it last.

I hope you’re writing this down to show the therapist!

Hang in there, buddy. It’ll get easier as time and work go on.

Tyrphanax said:

I hope you’re writing this down to show the therapist!

Hang in there, buddy. It’ll get easier as time and work go on.

You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Copy and paste this stuff and make it a little more coherent and show it to him. Thay can’t hurt. Opening the first page of the AV Club, where I usually like hanging out, was probably the worst thing I could’ve done given the article and comments.

It’s very important when you’re writing stuff to show your therapist that you catch yourself in the moment when it’s at its worst, that way they can accurately understand how you’re being affected and how you feel in the moment and all of that.

Also, maybe you should get into writing movie reviews? Your posts in the review thread are always interesting and well-written with what seems like a decent amount of insight. Just a random thought.

Tyrphanax said:

It’s very important when you’re writing stuff to show your therapist that you catch yourself in the moment when it’s at its worst, that way they can accurately understand how you’re being affected and how you feel in the moment and all of that.

I think that’s the most frustrating part. I can stand back and look at it and not feel that way when I’m more lucid, but then when I’m not so much, it’s like the frightening stuff above.

Also, maybe you should get into writing movie reviews? Your posts in the review thread are always interesting and well-written with what seems like a decent amount of insight. Just a random thought.

Hell, I’ve wanted to do that for years! Hell, it’s something my family have all repeatedly. I hope I’m not being arrogant when I say that I can do it pretty well. But every asshole with a blog wants to now, and every pro I’ve asked has to me that it’s not the kind of thing I’m likely to get paid for nowadays.

Mike O said:

Tyrphanax said:

It’s very important when you’re writing stuff to show your therapist that you catch yourself in the moment when it’s at its worst, that way they can accurately understand how you’re being affected and how you feel in the moment and all of that.

I think that’s the most frustrating part. I can stand back and look at it and not feel that way when I’m more lucid, but then when I’m not so much, it’s like the frightening stuff above.

Definitely. Everything is different in the light of morning. You’ll even look back with some shame (which is natural, but not necessary) and may even downplay it unintentionally, which means that the therapist isn’t getting the full picture, so having a record of “you at your worst” is often very helpful.

Mike O said:

Tyrphanax said:

Also, maybe you should get into writing movie reviews? Your posts in the review thread are always interesting and well-written with what seems like a decent amount of insight. Just a random thought.

Hell, I’ve wanted to do that for years! Hell, it’s something my family have all repeatedly. I hope I’m not being arrogant when I say that I can do it pretty well. But every asshole with a blog wants to now, and every pro I’ve asked has to me that it’s not the kind of thing I’m likely to get paid for nowadays.

Well definitely doing it as a hobby can’t be a bad idea. There has to be some way to make it work. I don’t think it’s arrogant at all, you have the eye for reviews in my opinion.

Those pros are probably just afraid you’ll take their job. ;D

Got up this morning, took my meds, then went back to bed. Head has been buzzing pretty much nonstop. I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep with my constant obsessiveness running before finally reindulgin gone compulsions again. I want to fucking cry. I’m tired of this shit, man. I want to feel a LITTLE better, why can’t I?

Great posts by Bingo and Chewtobacca, as usual.

Depression so bad that I slept through literally most of the day. This is fucking fun. I’m going to try and eat something. Hopefully it’ll give my metabolism a little kick.

Edit 06/19: Managed to watch some TV last night/this morning, then the compulsions came back in the morning and more slip-ups. Sleeping more and more. Have another session with my new shrink tomorrow. I wish I could tell him I was better. I very sincerely wish I could.

Got another appointment with my new shrink tomorrow. Have been on the new dosage for four or five days now, I’m sure it’ll take longer if it does anything. I went out with the family for Father’s Day, ate out with them, did some talking, and then when I got home, decided to talk a walk. The compulsions came on like a storm while I was on my walk, so still not much luck. I don’t even know what to think anymore, much less what to do. I’m going to tell him the truth tomorrow: that even with the effort I’m putting in, I don’t feel like I’m getting any better. I don’t know how he’ll react or how I’ll tell him. I copied some of the stuff I’ve been writing here to show him as sort of journal pages, I’ll print it out before my session tomorrow. I know I’ve barely even been at the therapy for two weeks. I know I haven’t even been on the new meds for a week. I get that. I do. And I get that the time I spend in bed with mind in a feedback loop, curled up with a Gameboy game and some audiobooks thay used to be familiar ways to comfort myself don’t constitute the best way of facing this problem. I do know that. But I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been trying. I’ve gone out several times, walked several times, tried to get some stuff out several times, even watched a few TV episodes and a movie to try to push against this thing. But I just don’t feel like I’m making progress. The times I have felt any better eventually waned and were outnumbered by the times I felt worse. I’ll see what he says after tomorrow’s session. I even tried the breathing excercises he gave me and the massage excercises my mother’s friend’s therapist taught her that she showed me. I just feel like it’s like trying to fight a forest fire with a water bottle. I don’t know anymore. I just feel so goddamn frustrated.

Edit: see, I feel better for like five minutes after I do this, then it’s back to hell.

Definitely be sure to tell your therapist when you’re feeling stuck. And it’s a good plan to show them the writing you did in the depths of a compulsion.

You’re working hard, but it will definitely take time. Just remember it’s only been a week or two that you’ve been really working through this with a therapist and increased meds. I feel like you’ve been doing well in terms of heeding advise and managing it by distracting yourself.

Rewiring your brain is an involved process, but you can do it over time!

My shrink left a message for me, he had something come up and had to reschedule for later in the week. So it goes, I suppose. Not thrilled, but he could be sick, have a family issue, any number of problems. It’s not like seeing him would be a cure-all or anything either, but I’m so frustrated. I had another attack. Why can’t I just sleep? Had another had meltdown. Good God.

Today has been rough. Lots of attacks, and getting harder to fight. I’m going in for a physical exam tomorrow for blood work, etc. to see if there’s any physical cause. I doubt it, but at this point, it’s hard to think anything could make it worse.

Cancellations suck, but just hang in there! We all have our sick days (or whatever).

Keep fighting!

I am fighting. I had a rather strong fight with my compulsion earlier. I don’t know how long I fought it before I indulged it-it felt like an hour-but it was pretty defeating. Even if I can fight them off, they come back. It just makes it feel like it’s not a winnable or worthwhile fight.