I’m sorry, I have to get this out again. I don’t know what else to do. I had a cry in my car today, but the compulsions came back all the same. It’s them or the obsessive anxiety. Again, watching vitriolic anti-religion videos which articulate something wholly separate from my own viewpoint. Christopher Hitchens, Dan Barker, etc. I can name you all of these names. “This is all silly, a homeless man is insane saying the same as a preacher, I can’t believe grown adults believe this, we as as species should outgrow this from the infancy of our evolution, it’s poisonous, it devalues people, it leads to theocracy, it allows us to abdicate morality and responsibility, people wouldn’t believe it if they weren’t taught it as children, the problem of evil,” the list goes on and on. It’s always the same arguments, I’ve heard all of this before. But I can’t stop. Indulging the compulsions makes the compulsions stronger. I even returned to the thread that started this whole mess at DVD Talk. I can’t stop. I physically and psychologically feel like I cannot fucking stop. It’s a twisted paradox. This isn’t altogether new. Back in my high school years, a single bad review of a film I liked could torpedo my whole day, as I’d obsessively search through message boards, reviews, etc. One person disagreed with me! Everything I believe is a lie!
What I can’t get over is the fact that these obsessions, frustrations, and anxiety attacks are attached to something different from my own personal philosophy. As someone who isn’t a hardcore theist anyway, why does this bother me? Why didn’t it bother me when I heard it on House, Bones, or True Detective for years? As previously outlined, I have never attempted to participate in any discussion regarding my own personal beliefs, nor do I believe that my own Catholic upbringing (and broad beliefs) constitute the “true” answer. In metaphysical and philosophical terms, I believe there are many paths to spiritual understanding, religion and faith being powerful ones for many, but by no means the only ones. My mother, another guy I know, their faith is powerful, giving them strength and purpose. I don’t describe it as “silly,” or mock it. I don’t believe the Bible has the answer to everything in life, so why am I upset with people criticizing those who do? As I’ve outlined, I have no patience for bigotry or homophobia inherent in many nasty aspects of this, and my own views are much more progressive, but it doesn’t constitute reason for me to wish to fight against it. It gave me community, love, family, morality, education. No, of course I don’t believe that without it, I wouldn’t have those things. I could. No, of course I don’t believe that atheism equals immorality. It doesn’t. Nor do I believe in many of the social or political positions of the church, or defend many of its immoral actions throughout history. All the same, neither do I feel the need to focus only on this when there are positives as well. I see an inherent complexity to much of this without easy answers. Beyond all of this, it’s an important part of my own cultural upbringing, and I’m not interested in chucking it all out. Nor do I use it as a condemnation of other people for sexual and personal reasons, etc. I remain fairly non-judgmental in these regards. I don’t need to become Christopher Hitchens, nor do I have to take his own ideas as mine. But I can stop repeating what I heard in my head, over and over, like a CD on repeat, racking through my mind. As my therapist pointed out, people with other viewpoints will always be out there. These videos are always going to be accessible on the Internet. The kind of activists are always going to be active. I have to learn to live with this, because there isn’t Any way to simply forget it or push it away. I prefer to focus on the morality and kindness of a person’s actions than whether they offered them in the name of religion, humanism, or any other philosophy. As outlined in previous pages, my own is very compatible and fairly even. I am not interested in fighting against religion. I would never judge a person for belief or disbelief, of loss of faith in the face of loss of the problem of evil. That’s fine. I both respect and understand that, and I used to be comfortable with allowing it to coexist with own personal philosophy.
I just can’t understand why someone criticizing something different from my own beliefs, and only partially since I agree with some of the criticisms, constitutes a reason to for me to become so upset. It’s nonsensical to me. Why can’t I just go into my mind, put this on a shelf, and move on with my own life? Why must I have anxiety attacks seeing crosses around peoples’ necks or hearing religious references in X-Men films? I’m tired of this. It was such a beautiful day today. Just gorgeous. Stunning. The sun was shining, it was warm, I got to spend time with my loving family, I’m on paid vacation, I have an air-conditioned, comfortable home, supportive mental health professionals. Why can’t I concentrate on that? Why must I instead bear this burden?
I know that it’s important to have realistic expectations. I do understand this. I have only had a few sessions with my new therapist, and only been on my mildly adjusted medication for a few days. But I’m trying. I really feel like I’m trying. I tried to resist the compulsions with the breathing excercises he gave me, but they didn’t work. Even when they did, the compulsion came back stronger. I tried going out with a friend the other night. I tired going to a movie. I tried watching a show on my DVR. I tried watching my Redbox disc. But it feels like it’s all for nothing. It feels like I’m fighting a losing battle.
What in my mind is even my own anymore? What do I really think? If these compulsions, depression, anxiety, Aspergers can be this all-consuming, this powerful, this controlling, where is Mike in all of this? What’s left of me? How can I trust my own mind? If these things can control me, what even defines me? This is so stupid. So silly. Why can’t I just stop? Why am I drawn to these things which never bothered me before? Can the medicine even help? Can the therapy? Why can’t I focus my attention on the aforementioned real-life issues? Why can I refocus my obsessions towards happier times when I could instead obsessively read the Final Fantasy Wiki or behind-the-scenes stories about kaiju films? Why can’t I enjoy the things I used to love, the things which brought me passion and happiness? What in God’s name is happening to me?
Here come the compulsions again. It’s like having my mind hijacked. I can’t fight. This is effecting everything: what little virginal libido I have, my appetite, my sleep Schedule, God only knows how I’m going to function when I have to go back to work. I just can’t keep fighting this pointless, losing fight. I don’t know what the fuck to do. As I’ve said, I’m not a praying, Bible-reading kind anyway. Why does this bother me? Why can’t I stop? What’s happening to me?!
I a health feel better after I do this for like five minutes. Same after therapy sessions. Isiah I could make it last.