Yeah, it’s never fun when life shits on you all at once.
It’s good to vent, believe me. I’m a big venter, and it always helps me to not suffer in silence. Don’t apologize!
Hey, man, you’re a good listener, and seem altogether compassionate with the plights of others even here on this forum. That’s a good, kind perspective that the world could use a lot more of. I wish good luck to him as well, and hope he can find support both financial and emotional for his suffering, and that he comes out of it with that. We can all offer minor emotional support, but he requires more than that in his own life, and hopefully
On my end, I’ve only been on my very mildly adjusted meds for two days and I feel worse rather than better. I know that it’s probably not even scientifically possible for my body’s biochemistry to be that affected by a minor mediation adjustment in such a short space of time. But damned if it doesn’t feel that way, and it’s just fucking frustrating. I think my compulsions have worsened recently too. I have another appointment with my new therapist Monday. I tried the breathing excercise he gave to me, but it didn’t help when the compulsions hit, unfortunately. I have a lockable notebook coming in the mail that I’m going to try to write in and give to him next session. I have put in a lot of effort: some excercise, a new therapist, and adjustment to my medication, these breathing excercises. And I know that it’s important not to have unreasonable expectations and that this is a long process, and the fact that I have at least had some progress shows that this is not only worth fighting for, but it’s just so goddamned hard. As I’ve said, I was never a hard-liner on any of these theological issues, so I don’t understand why this sudden obsessiveness has become so powerful and all-consuming. My therapist said this to me excellently: “You have clearly formulated your own philosophical and spiritual beliefs compatible with your own worldview which doesn’t seem to impinge on any others. I think that in reading and watching all of these things, you’ve taken what you’re going to take from all of this, and further examination doesn’t seem to be in any way benefiting you.”
This is eloquent and excellently said, but I think that it’s just not penetrating me. I mean yes, it makes sense to me, to the point that I can articulate it here, but the constant desire to obsess and check, to obsess and obsess and obsess seems to have stuck itself to me. I want to enjoy life again! I want to love the things I used to love passionately again, to not fear waking up or constantly have to think about fighting this. It’s just so frustrating. Then man, I look at someone here, struggling with real financial problems, actual cancer, so many real-world problems that show mine for just how petty and foolish they are, how small, and frustrates me so much that I simply can’t fight them and kick them. I’m sorry, man. And I hope that you deal with your real-life issues, and they sure put mine in perspective. I wish I could.