Saw the prescribing doc today. She gave me a mild boost to my meds (obviously you have to do it slowly, I learned the hard way when I was first being prescribed it that too much can be horrifically bad too), and I only ingested them a few hours ago. She gave me some info so I can look into having some medical examinations done too, which I’m not against considering that it’s been a long, long time since I have. Sadly, the twitchy compulsions still came on strong when I got home, but my therapist is having me look at breathing exercises and some sort of “homework” regarding my own writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. It’s a reminder that I’m going to have to put in some effort. A lot of effort. When you’re hurting, it is frustrating to think how much time it takes to heal, and how much effort you have to put in. It’s not the kind of thing where you simply are able to solve the issue, I know. It’s a constant fight, and it’s one that you have to fight personally in your own mind (and dare I say soul) every day. And man, that sounds grandiose, but it sure is hard. The slip-ups when I got home weren’t encouraging, but let’s hope the tweaking of the meds will have some positive effects. How long will that take? I’m not sure. But longer than a few hours, Mike.

EDIT: A few hours later. Oh, not good. Not good. I hope the medicine isn’t making things worse. Oh, not good.

EDIT 2: Fucking hell. Another attack. I tried the breathing technique my doc taught me to ride out the brunt of it, but didn’t work, airplanes indulged it. God dammit. I know, I know, let the biochemistry balance, takes days, but good God, I’m so tired of this. This is not how I want to spend my vacation.

EDIT 3: And again. It just feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight trying to fight this.

EDIT 4: So much for it getting better at night…

And again…

I see a pattern here…