Had another session today. They guy is definitely putting in all of the effort to help me, no question about that. He tried again (I think quite wisely) to steer the session towards a much more intelligent points about my personal dissatisfactions and how I should look towards practical things: my friendships, where I want to go in life, how to apply my passions and intelligence, attempts at becoming more communal (he talked about joining a local rec center), seeing what options are available related to my education. He pointed out that in my OCD episodes, I’m obsessively watching various debates about topics I’ve already mined pretty throughly and formulated my own personal and spiritual beliefs towards. He articulated it well saying that I’ve basically taken what I can take-good, bad, and otherwise-from these things, so why continue to obsess. He also gave me this diaphragm breathing technique which is supposed to serve to calm the anxiety. He says to practice it, and maybe a little writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. I’ll give both a shot. I have an early appointment with my NP tomorrow too, hopefully the dosage adjustment won’t be to complex.
Unfortunately, the attacks just won’t let up. I came home and spent some kind time with my father, and when I felt the compulsion coming on, I even literally left the house for a hopefully endorphin-releasing walking and left my phone here! I was gone a while, came Home to my dad for more conversation, but I still just felt like I wasn’t strong enough. The compulsion came, and I still started with it when he went to bed. I’ve watched all of these things endlessly, and having outlined my own personal philosophy in the previous pages, as well as the real problems I should be focusing on, it’s just so frustrating to continue to have this keep hijacking my brain and keep having to fight this. Every time I do, it seems to come back even stronger. It just feels like it always defeats me. I’ve been retreating back into one of my all-time favorite old video games and mixing it with some Enjoyable audiobooks in an attempt I curb it, but it’s so brutal sometimes. I’m better than I was, I know, but it’s hard to feel pride in progress when these relapses are so strong. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m kicking and screaming against this thing: I got about halfway through a TV episode and part of the way through a movie, but the compulsions came biting before I could finish. They can put a broken leg in a cast, they can give you antibiotics for a sickness, but this is different. It’s a hard battle. I’m trying, but dammit, it feels like I’m shooting blanks sometimes.