You’re gonna make it!
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Had another session today. They guy is definitely putting in all of the effort to help me, no question about that. He tried again (I think quite wisely) to steer the session towards a much more intelligent points about my personal dissatisfactions and how I should look towards practical things: my friendships, where I want to go in life, how to apply my passions and intelligence, attempts at becoming more communal (he talked about joining a local rec center), seeing what options are available related to my education. He pointed out that in my OCD episodes, I’m obsessively watching various debates about topics I’ve already mined pretty throughly and formulated my own personal and spiritual beliefs towards. He articulated it well saying that I’ve basically taken what I can take-good, bad, and otherwise-from these things, so why continue to obsess. He also gave me this diaphragm breathing technique which is supposed to serve to calm the anxiety. He says to practice it, and maybe a little writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. I’ll give both a shot. I have an early appointment with my NP tomorrow too, hopefully the dosage adjustment won’t be to complex.
Unfortunately, the attacks just won’t let up. I came home and spent some kind time with my father, and when I felt the compulsion coming on, I even literally left the house for a hopefully endorphin-releasing walking and left my phone here! I was gone a while, came Home to my dad for more conversation, but I still just felt like I wasn’t strong enough. The compulsion came, and I still started with it when he went to bed. I’ve watched all of these things endlessly, and having outlined my own personal philosophy in the previous pages, as well as the real problems I should be focusing on, it’s just so frustrating to continue to have this keep hijacking my brain and keep having to fight this. Every time I do, it seems to come back even stronger. It just feels like it always defeats me. I’ve been retreating back into one of my all-time favorite old video games and mixing it with some Enjoyable audiobooks in an attempt I curb it, but it’s so brutal sometimes. I’m better than I was, I know, but it’s hard to feel pride in progress when these relapses are so strong. It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m kicking and screaming against this thing: I got about halfway through a TV episode and part of the way through a movie, but the compulsions came biting before I could finish. They can put a broken leg in a cast, they can give you antibiotics for a sickness, but this is different. It’s a hard battle. I’m trying, but dammit, it feels like I’m shooting blanks sometimes.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
It’s funny, because you come back here and tell us how you feel like you’re losing this fight, but every time you report your progress I’m always surprised and delighted at how much better you seem to be doing.
You even fought off an “attack” tonight by going out and leaving your phone! That’s great news! Try to focus on that victory than the fact that you didn’t do so well later.
You really do seem to be doing much better, and it sounds like your therapist is decent as well. Keep it up!
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
It’s funny, because you come back here and tell us how you feel like you’re losing this fight, but every time you report your progress I’m always surprised and delighted at how much better you seem to be doing.
You even fought off an “attack” tonight by going out and leaving your phone! That’s great news! Try to focus on that victory than the fact that you didn’t do so well later.
You really do seem to be doing much better, and it sounds like your therapist is decent as well. Keep it up!
Thanks, man. To you and others. I appreciate your confidence and kindness, all of you.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
No worries. We’re all in this together.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Tyrphanax said:
You even fought off an “attack” tonight by going out and leaving your phone! That’s great news!
Absolutely! That’s real progress.
May I add you are making a lot of progress in a very short period of time.
Hopefully you will build on it more over time and look back at the progress you made with well deserved pride.
If you can switch it off a bit that’s some serious moves away from not being able to switch it off at all which seemed to be the state you were in when you first told us about it.
May I add you are making a lot of progress in a very short period of time.
Hopefully you will build on it more over time and look back at the progress you made with well deserved pride.
If you can switch it off a bit that’s some serious moves away from not being able to switch it off at all which seemed to be the state you were in when you first told us about it.
Exactly. It shows in your writing, which has become a lot less tangential, disjointed, and repetitive. You seem more focused and aware. These are good signifiers of progress, and if strangers over the internet can tell there’s a difference, then there certainly must be one in real life. You’re doing well! Stay vigilant, beware of plateaus, and don’t stop working.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
Saw the prescribing doc today. She gave me a mild boost to my meds (obviously you have to do it slowly, I learned the hard way when I was first being prescribed it that too much can be horrifically bad too), and I only ingested them a few hours ago. She gave me some info so I can look into having some medical examinations done too, which I’m not against considering that it’s been a long, long time since I have. Sadly, the twitchy compulsions still came on strong when I got home, but my therapist is having me look at breathing exercises and some sort of “homework” regarding my own writing out of this stuff to try to organize it. It’s a reminder that I’m going to have to put in some effort. A lot of effort. When you’re hurting, it is frustrating to think how much time it takes to heal, and how much effort you have to put in. It’s not the kind of thing where you simply are able to solve the issue, I know. It’s a constant fight, and it’s one that you have to fight personally in your own mind (and dare I say soul) every day. And man, that sounds grandiose, but it sure is hard. The slip-ups when I got home weren’t encouraging, but let’s hope the tweaking of the meds will have some positive effects. How long will that take? I’m not sure. But longer than a few hours, Mike.
EDIT: A few hours later. Oh, not good. Not good. I hope the medicine isn’t making things worse. Oh, not good.
EDIT 2: Fucking hell. Another attack. I tried the breathing technique my doc taught me to ride out the brunt of it, but didn’t work, airplanes indulged it. God dammit. I know, I know, let the biochemistry balance, takes days, but good God, I’m so tired of this. This is not how I want to spend my vacation.
EDIT 3: And again. It just feels like bringing a knife to a gunfight trying to fight this.
EDIT 4: So much for it getting better at night…
And again…
And again…
I see a pattern here…
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
I don’t usually post in this thread as I prefer to keep my personal life off of the forums as much as possible.
But I just left the doctors office and found out my skin cancer has come back in several places on my body. The last instance I had of melanoma was one small freckle-like spot on my foot. So it’s not only come back, but gotten worse.
In addition to this, I recently lost my job, then got a new one working twice as long for half the pay, and got evicted from the place I was renting, so I’m staying at my parents while I look for a new place to live.
Like I said, I don’t usually post here, but damn I’m just overwhelmed with all the shit that got thrust at me practically all at once.
I’m sorry man.
My dad has skin cancer as well, and has had it ever since I can remember. It doesn’t seem like fun to have to get carved up (though they mostly freeze it off now, I believe) regularly.
Hang in there. Keep on fighting.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
I’m sorry man.
My dad has skin cancer as well, and has had it ever since I can remember. It doesn’t seem like fun to have to get carved up (though they mostly freeze it off now, I believe) regularly.
Hang in there. Keep on fighting.
Every time I get it, I have to get it grafted.
Ugh that’s rough dude. Do you go in regularly?
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
My mom had it some 30-35 years ago.
Ugh that’s rough dude. Do you go in regularly?
I go in once or twice a year for a full body inspection.
Sadly getting skin cancer once statistically makes it more probable that you will get it again (though everyone can and should take as much steps to avoid it as possible and get anything unusual looked at).
The one positive is you are one of the few clued up about the possibility and do get regularly checked.
Men are particularly bad at reporting things wrong with their bodies.
To have this happen on top of everything else must be particularly bad for you.
Like old fibber Kenobi. I don’t believe in luck.
If you keep doing things likely to point you in the direction of positive change the tide of fortune eventually goes back to being of benefit to you, probably.
Allow yourself space to vent, you have every right to complain but don’t give into despair. Chances are your skin Cancer will clear up, you will find financial independence again and you will turn this corner.
Do you have people of your own age you can talk about this unhappy medley of misfortune with (real people not internet people)?
Yeah I’ve got friends who are helping me out as much as they can.
Honestly any one of these problems on their own I would probably be handling just fine, I think it’s the fact that it’s all this crap at once that’s making it hard to handle. I suffer from insomnia and anxiety and it’s made them both worse.
And because of my long hours at my new job (which I’m currently at) plus looking for a new place to live and the inevitable hospital visits/bills, I have less time and energy to work on hobbies like those I share here, which of course takes away one of my main sources of stress relief, making anxiety even worse.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain and rant about my problems, but it helps to type it all out. I’m not the best verbal communicator, especially when stressed.
Yeah, it’s never fun when life shits on you all at once.
It’s good to vent, believe me. I’m a big venter, and it always helps me to not suffer in silence. Don’t apologize!
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain and rant about my problems, but it helps to type it all out. I’m not the best verbal communicator, especially when stressed.
That’s what this thread is for!
Yeah, it’s never fun when life shits on you all at once.
It’s good to vent, believe me. I’m a big venter, and it always helps me to not suffer in silence. Don’t apologize!
Hey, man, you’re a good listener, and seem altogether compassionate with the plights of others even here on this forum. That’s a good, kind perspective that the world could use a lot more of. I wish good luck to him as well, and hope he can find support both financial and emotional for his suffering, and that he comes out of it with that. We can all offer minor emotional support, but he requires more than that in his own life, and hopefully
On my end, I’ve only been on my very mildly adjusted meds for two days and I feel worse rather than better. I know that it’s probably not even scientifically possible for my body’s biochemistry to be that affected by a minor mediation adjustment in such a short space of time. But damned if it doesn’t feel that way, and it’s just fucking frustrating. I think my compulsions have worsened recently too. I have another appointment with my new therapist Monday. I tried the breathing excercise he gave to me, but it didn’t help when the compulsions hit, unfortunately. I have a lockable notebook coming in the mail that I’m going to try to write in and give to him next session. I have put in a lot of effort: some excercise, a new therapist, and adjustment to my medication, these breathing excercises. And I know that it’s important not to have unreasonable expectations and that this is a long process, and the fact that I have at least had some progress shows that this is not only worth fighting for, but it’s just so goddamned hard. As I’ve said, I was never a hard-liner on any of these theological issues, so I don’t understand why this sudden obsessiveness has become so powerful and all-consuming. My therapist said this to me excellently: “You have clearly formulated your own philosophical and spiritual beliefs compatible with your own worldview which doesn’t seem to impinge on any others. I think that in reading and watching all of these things, you’ve taken what you’re going to take from all of this, and further examination doesn’t seem to be in any way benefiting you.”
This is eloquent and excellently said, but I think that it’s just not penetrating me. I mean yes, it makes sense to me, to the point that I can articulate it here, but the constant desire to obsess and check, to obsess and obsess and obsess seems to have stuck itself to me. I want to enjoy life again! I want to love the things I used to love passionately again, to not fear waking up or constantly have to think about fighting this. It’s just so frustrating. Then man, I look at someone here, struggling with real financial problems, actual cancer, so many real-world problems that show mine for just how petty and foolish they are, how small, and frustrates me so much that I simply can’t fight them and kick them. I’m sorry, man. And I hope that you deal with your real-life issues, and they sure put mine in perspective. I wish I could.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
As I’ve said before, your “worst day” is still your worst day, even if someone else has had an even worse day than you ever have. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel like other people have it worse (not to belittle your problems, Darth Lucas).
Your meds won’t start kicking in for a few weeks, so you’re probably just having a rough day or two. That’ll always happen. It happens to all of us! You could be experiencing some reverse-placebo effect where your anxiety about the new dosage makes you feel like its not helping, too. Just stick out the next few weeks until it has a chance to actually take hold.
The thing about OCD is that it’s an irrational thing. You know the truth, you know you don’t actually need to go through your rituals, you know where you stand on theology and your opinions are concrete and you don’t need to keep debating it, but you can’t help yourself. That’s just the way OCD works. Just try to avoid the situations where you’re obsessing and if you find yourself in one, do your best to get out of it. But don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, because you can cause hopelessness doing that, and that’ll make it worse. Just try again next time.
Writing always helps me, and so keeping a journal is a great idea, especially because you can record your thoughts in the moment and show them to your therapist without forgetting details and whatnot. Great idea!
You’re fighting hard, and you’re doing a good job of it. Keep it up.
Keep Circulating the Tapes.
END OF LINE
(It hasn’t happened yet)
As I’ve said before, your “worst day” is still your worst day, even if someone else has had an even worse day than you ever have. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel like other people have it worse (not to belittle your problems, Darth Lucas).
I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.
Your meds won’t start kicking in for a few weeks, so you’re probably just having a rough day or two. That’ll always happen. It happens to all of us! You could be experiencing some reverse-placebo effect where your anxiety about the new dosage makes you feel like its not helping, too. Just stick out the next few weeks until it has a chance to actually take hold.
Like I said, it’s a very small increase, so it’s odd that it should be having an effect. I’m inclined to believe this is something psychosomatic at most, the idea that a very small spike in medication could have an effect after 48 hours just doesn’t seem scientifically feasible. Obviously, you have to go slowly (this increase may not do anything at all), and it takes time, but fuck, that’s hard when you’re suffering.
The thing about OCD is that it’s an irrational thing. You know the truth, you know you don’t actually need to go through your rituals, you know where you stand on theology and your opinions are concrete and you don’t need to keep debating it, but you can’t help yourself. That’s just the way OCD works. Just try to avoid the situations where you’re obsessing and if you find yourself in one, do your best to get out of it. But don’t beat yourself up if you can’t, because you can cause hopelessness doing that, and that’ll make it worse. Just try again next time.
I do keep trying, but with little success. I even tried the breathing stuff he told me about, with no success. I’m supposed to control my mind. I’m supposed to make decisions. I’m supposed to decide what I think and what I’m thinking about. It’s not supposed to control me. It’s scary.
Writing always helps me, and so keeping a journal is a great idea, especially because you can record your thoughts in the moment and show them to your therapist without forgetting details and whatnot. Great idea!
Yeah, shame it was his and not mine 😉, But I’ll do it and show it to him.
You’re fighting hard, and you’re doing a good job of it. Keep it up.
I know. I just had another episode. It’s just fucking frustrating as hell. I want to enjoy life again, enjoy movies again, be able to watch stuff, read stuff, not have anxiety attacks when I pass churches. I wish I had a more eloquent or articulate way of phrasing it than saying that it “hijacks my brain,” but I don’t. I don’t mind this obsessive curiosity, I just prefer it when it’s directed at comics or movies or other things besides this. At least that was fun.
I’ve had several slips in the last few hours. It just feels like I can’t fucking stop, and it’s driving me crazy!!
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
I don’t know, man, I get what you’re saying, but someone having cancer should probably put it into better perspective than it does.
Don’t even think like that man. I’ve dealt with my fair share of mental problems that I won’t share here, I’m mostly better and it’s not important, but one of my best friends suffers from many mental disabilities, OCD being the main one and (not that cancer isn’t serious, but) OCD and other mental illnesses are in my experience much more debilitating and hard to deal with.
I understand how it feels to feel like your problems aren’t really important when compared to other people’s issues. Skin cancer, when compared to other cancers, is really not that serious and is much easier to live with and treat, so I always feel a bit of guilt putting myself in the same category as those dealing with lung cancer, or breast cancer, or something more serious.
What you need to remember though, is that even if you feel other people have it worse, that doesn’t devalue your own struggles or invalidate them. Your life is valuable and if something, anything, is getting in the way of living your life, it should be taken extremely seriously.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to complain and rant about my problems, but it helps to type it all out. I’m not the best verbal communicator, especially when stressed.
That’s what this thread is for!
^Very THIS
With the anxiety some of the advice given to Mike O by Darth Ender etc overlaps with your situation. Make sure that the Doctors treating your skin also know about your anxiety. For one reason, while totally understandable under your current set if circumstances anxiety can be both a physical symptom and a side effect of medication. Also they would able to determine if a medical treatment would be available that wouldn’t clash with your current treatment. That you are starting a new job while this is going in is impressive. I would probably find it too much personally. Does your work day involve journeys back and forth where something creative like art, writing or photography could be a distraction?
Mike O said:
I want to enjoy life again, enjoy movies again, be able to watch stuff, read stuff, not have anxiety attacks when I pass churches.
Being able to experience enjoyment again is something that tends to come back slowly, but it does come back. Based on what you’ve described, it sounds as if it will be a while before you can enjoy the things that you mentioned again, and it won’t come back in one go, but you’ll get there. Probably, you’ll catch yourself enjoying something one day and won’t realize until that instant that that’s what you have been doing.