logo Sign In

The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 23

Author
Time
 (Edited)

Had another terrific session with my new shrink today. The guy was amazingly warm and kind, and told me that even though he’s retired, he still works many hours every week because he loves what he does. We got around to some real discussion about my life-sexual dissatisfaction, how miserable my job makes me, my many limitations in my comfortable but small sphere of life and desire for more, how this likely reflect nuts and bolts problems with my own life, I outline for him my philosophy towards religion and life much like I did in the previous pages, how I kept having anxiety attacks just seeing churches. He talked about how I should shift my focus towards these real-life issues and the classic “where do you want to be a year from now.” He talked about how found his passion in his 40s and about current neurological research he was looking into, and about the satisfaction in such personal actualization. This was very satisfying. He’s a good listener and his experience clearly showed and he seems to have a genuine kindness and desire to help. I finally went out socially with my friend to go to a movie, spent some time with him. As his friend recently took his own life (I can’t even begin to imagine his pain), he was rather worried about me, but was a good listener too, and served as a nice reminder of the many good things I have and what I SHOULD be looking to.

Unfortunately, the compulsions started firing up again halfway through the screening (The Conjuring 2 is way too long, incidentally), and though I managed to resist indulging them in my car, I succumbed to them h the timer I got home. Again. It’s just so frustrating to know something in your mind but somehow not be able to control it. It just don’t get how my brain can literally feel like it’s betraying me. God, it’s frustrating. Still, God dammit, I put in some effort today. I head from my prescribing MD, and she said she’d call me back the following day to set up a meeting, hopefully tomorrow, about adjusting the dosage of my medication. I’ve had to work very, very hard to resist the temptation to take more, but I know that would be both dangerous and stupid. But goddammit, it’s just so hard to keep fighting like this and waiting through all of this, and it doesn’t feel like it’s a winnable battle. But I’m fighting all the same. I want my life back so goddamn badly.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

I have to say, I’m reading much more hope in your tone in the above post than I ever have before, and this alone is a fantastic step forward. This is a great first few steps, and I’m very happy for you.

Keep it up, man. You can do this.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time

Tyrphanax said:

I have to say, I’m reading much more hope in your tone in the above post than I ever have before, and this alone is a fantastic step forward. This is a great first few steps, and I’m very happy for you.

Keep it up, man. You can do this.

This!

Author
Time

It did seem like an improvement, but I did keep slipping again and again when I got home. God, this is hard. Hopefully my prescription will get tweaked tomorrow, God willing. I know one step at a time, but Lord, is it hard.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

I hear ya. Just do your best to focus on the positives and the important things and keep pushing forward.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time

While I haven’t chimed in all that much, Mike, on your problem, I’d just like to say I’ve still been following your progress. I have my own struggles with obsessive-compulsive tendancies, and while none have been as bad as yours, I still have some idea what it feels like to have your brain working against you. I’m rooting for you and hope you get through this.

Author
Time

Had another pretty good night last night, then crashed again this morning. Unfortunately, apparently my prescribing doctor only works Tuesday and Thursday. Hopefully she’ll call me back soon, but I left a message a number of hours ago. I’m kind of hoping she doesn’t have an answering machine and get this stuff through mobile, but who knows? I’m also hoping that like last time, raising the medicine will be helpful and I haven’t manifested this as some kind of idealized solution. But I just want to know either way, and in this state, waiting a few days seems like a long time.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

Good to hear you gained respite from your anxiety with your session with the therapist. He sounds cool. Don’t worry about the slip ups, you are having to break long entrenched behaviour. It’s understandable that it will take time to settle into a more workable pattern.

Author
Time

Bingowings said:

Good to hear you gained respite from your anxiety with your session with the therapist. He sounds cool. Don’t worry about the slip ups, you are having to break long entrenched behaviour. It’s understandable that it will take time to settle into a more workable pattern.

This.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time
 (Edited)

Just took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing and get some serotonin from the sun. I still feel like my whole life is weighed down by the depression, I suppose it trades off with the anxiety. But I really am trying. It’s frustrating when it comes back. It’s so hard to fight. The walk didn’t give the endorphin buzz I was hoping for. It’s just frustrating to do something to fight it and still not feel like you’ve won a battle. I know, one day at a time.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

Mike O said:

I know, one day at a time.

Exactly.

I love taking long walks or even jogs with some nice classical music playing when I’m feeling down. Really helps me put my head back on, generally straighter than before. Keep at it! You’re doing well.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time
 (Edited)

The depression finally ebbed, then the “look at theological stuff” OCD came spiking up again. God in heaven, it’s like disability roulette: want to be depressed, obsessive, or anxious? My new therapist told me that having Aspergers means that my brain is very prone to this kind of overactivity, I just wish I could control it. I hope my faith in adjusting my medication isn’t groundless. Unfortunately, I found out that the lady who prescribes for me is only in on Tuesdays and Thursday, and it’s another damn weekend. I have one more workday tomorrow, the I’m off for two weeks. This is so not how I want to spend my vacation.

PS: The Counjuring 2 is way too long.

I wondered why it lessens at night?

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

Maybe as your brain is a component of your body getting your body tired gets your brain too tired to obsess too much. Since taking on my current role involves a lot of travel and planning I don’t have enough time or energy to ruminate too deeply on my domestic situation so I actually have a more positive outlook these days. Try sneaking more physical activity into your work day and see if that tires you physically enough to get a good evening in. Just taking the stairs where possible could make the difference.

Author
Time

Bingowings said:

Maybe as your brain is a component of your body getting your body tired gets your brain too tired to obsess too much. Since taking on my current role involves a lot of travel and planning I don’t have enough time or energy to ruminate too deeply on my domestic situation so I actually have a more positive outlook these days. Try sneaking more physical activity into your work day and see if that tires you physically enough to get a good evening in. Just taking the stairs where possible could make the difference.

Bingo keeps stealing my posts.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time
 (Edited)

Thanks to everyone for their kindness and support. When I think about people fighting addiction or physically disability or trauma or loss, my problems seem to petty. But all the same, they’re what I have. There have been a few ups, and with 14 days of vacation due to me now, hopefully I’ll make progress. I’m calling my prescribing NP and hopefully she’ll be able to adjust my dosage. I hope I’m not looking that as an idealized cure-all, but it’s helped before and hopefully, it’ll help again.

Made it through a work shift today, went out with my friend the other day, took a walk to try to get the endorphins flowing, seeing a shrink, calling about my meds, I am trying. Had another theology OCD slip up, and I’m so tired of it. God, it’s just hard. I am better sometimes, but it’s hard to stay that way. I’ll keep fighting though. And now I can get some rest. But God, it’s hard. Sitting with my dad now though. Family and love sure are nice.

Edit: my dad left, I immediately slipped up. I thought I was finally making progress with this.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time

You’re kicking ass, man. Just because your worst thing isn’t as objectively bad as a different person’s worst thing doesn’t mean yours isn’t bad. But you’re doing well. You’re making an effort, and that’s what matters.

Sure, no one thing will ever be a cure-all, but they’ll all work together with you as parts of a larger containment and coping strategy.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time
 (Edited)

Fuck me, another strong-ass episode. I’m so tired of these. Good news is my prescribing doc called, and she’s going to look into raising my meds, she’ll contact me again tomorrow. I’m on vacation now, so there’s time to work with it, at least. It’s hard to feel like I’ll ever kick this, especially since as soon as I hung up, I went back to the compulsions. But man, I am giving it some effort.

But fuck, these compulsions came back like a relapse, like all the ones I’ve fought came rushing back at once.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

Author
Time
 (Edited)

More meds isn’t going to solve the problem.

Meds can be helpful but won’t get the root of the problem.

The Person in Question

Author
Time

moviefreakedmind said:

More meds isn’t going to solve the problem.

Meds can be helpful but won’t get the root of the problem.

That’s why he’s also going to therapy regularly.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time

I know, but I’ve seen too many people get hooked on prescription medication.

The Person in Question

Author
Time

moviefreakedmind said:

I know, but I’ve seen too many people get hooked on prescription medication.

Opioids are generally pretty different to, say, an SSRI. Specifically in that SSRIs are not addictive.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time

OK. I have no idea what I’m talking about by the way; I just saw the word “meds” and felt the need to throw that in.

The Person in Question

Author
Time

moviefreakedmind said:

OK. I have no idea what I’m talking about by the way; I just saw the word “meds” and felt the need to throw that in.

Hey, it’s all good. Your caution and care is warranted. I’m no medical genius or anything, I just happen to have experience with this specific issue.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

Author
Time

Fuck me, I’m tired of this. The compulsions are back again. I did manage to start up on a movie, but didn’t get far. I’m sick of these fucking things controlling my brain. I am on vacation for these two weeks, which is nice. I see my new therapist tomorrow and my prescribing doc Tuesday morning to look into my changing meds. Gotta keep fighting, I know, but it’s frustrating.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death