A middle-aged woman is sitting by a public pool. A young, beautiful girl gets out of the pool after swimming a few laps.
The middle-aged woman watches as the young girl walks to a lounge chair next to her, pulls out a cigarette from nowhere, and asks the woman for a light.
After lighting her up, the woman asks the girl, "Where did your cigarette come from?"
"Oh, it's a new trick I learned. I put the cigarette in a condom, and hide it underneath my swimsuit. It stays nice and dry, so I don't have to carry it around in my purse when I go swimming."
The woman thinks this is a neat trick, and decides to give it a try. She leaves to go to the nearest drug store. She cannot find the condoms, so she goes to the counter for assistance. Finding a pharmacist, she asks for help finding a condom.
The pharmacist smiles and says, "Well, there's quite a variety of those nowadays. What, exactly, were you looking for in a condom?"
The woman thinks about it and says, "I need one big enough to fit a camel."
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Two friends run into each other coming out of a movie theater. One of the friends has two black eyes.
The first friend asks the second, "Dude, what happened to your face? How'd you get those black eyes?"
The second guy explains. "I was sitting in the theater, waiting for the lights to go down, when this gorgeous woman comes over to sit in the seat in front of mine. She was standing there waiting for something, when I noticed her dress was getting wedged in her butt crack. She had such a nice ass, that I reached over and pulled the dress out, so I could get a feel. Well, what I didn't know was that she was one of those body-building women, and after she screamed, she turned around and slugged me in the face."
The first friend laughs and says, "Okay, that explains the first black eye. How did you get the second?
The second friend admits, "Heh, well...it was stupid of me, but I was kinda pissed, and couldn't help myself. I tried to explain to her what I was doing, and she said, "I don't need your help fixing my dress!" I figured that that's how she wanted it, so I pushed it back in....