Had another terrific session with my new shrink today. The guy was amazingly warm and kind, and told me that even though he’s retired, he still works many hours every week because he loves what he does. We got around to some real discussion about my life-sexual dissatisfaction, how miserable my job makes me, my many limitations in my comfortable but small sphere of life and desire for more, how this likely reflect nuts and bolts problems with my own life, I outline for him my philosophy towards religion and life much like I did in the previous pages, how I kept having anxiety attacks just seeing churches. He talked about how I should shift my focus towards these real-life issues and the classic “where do you want to be a year from now.” He talked about how found his passion in his 40s and about current neurological research he was looking into, and about the satisfaction in such personal actualization. This was very satisfying. He’s a good listener and his experience clearly showed and he seems to have a genuine kindness and desire to help. I finally went out socially with my friend to go to a movie, spent some time with him. As his friend recently took his own life (I can’t even begin to imagine his pain), he was rather worried about me, but was a good listener too, and served as a nice reminder of the many good things I have and what I SHOULD be looking to.
Unfortunately, the compulsions started firing up again halfway through the screening (The Conjuring 2 is way too long, incidentally), and though I managed to resist indulging them in my car, I succumbed to them h the timer I got home. Again. It’s just so frustrating to know something in your mind but somehow not be able to control it. It just don’t get how my brain can literally feel like it’s betraying me. God, it’s frustrating. Still, God dammit, I put in some effort today. I head from my prescribing MD, and she said she’d call me back the following day to set up a meeting, hopefully tomorrow, about adjusting the dosage of my medication. I’ve had to work very, very hard to resist the temptation to take more, but I know that would be both dangerous and stupid. But goddammit, it’s just so hard to keep fighting like this and waiting through all of this, and it doesn’t feel like it’s a winnable battle. But I’m fighting all the same. I want my life back so goddamn badly.