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The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 22

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I have no experience with the health systems of other countries but while there tends to be a strong demand and wait for talking therapy in my country, seeing a GP and getting assistance with symptoms (and anxiety attacks are physical symptoms involving chemical releases which prompt physical responses) shouldn’t take long. There may be voluntary mentoring/befriending services in your area too. These will not be able to give you clinical assistance but they would give you a human being who has no history with you, who is willing to sit and listen while you externalise your situation. There is nothing worse than being caught in a feedback loop of obsessional observance of behaviour and your emotional response to it. There may be specialist volunteer organisations that work specifically with the sort of symptoms you are manifesting. You may be facing a duel stigma of mental health problems and worrying about accessing ‘charity’. My response to the later if you feel that would be to commit yourself to assisting the organisations that help you once you get back on your feet. Anxiety is a recognised medical situation so you should be able to apply for financial assistance while you get to grips with that aspect of what is happening to you from insurance companies. If you don’t feel up to looking up these things online we could do that for you if we have an idea of the general geographical area you live in.

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I’m calling a shrink tomorrow morning. This is getting worse and worse. I’m worried that the damage is too done at this point. God, please help me. Please. I had other problems, but this philosophizing may have changed me in ways I can never fix. It just keeps going further and further and further down the hole. Please, make it stop. Please.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Atta boy. You go for it. There is no shame.

Definitely take Bingo’s advice and don’t be afraid of meds, either. Remember, this is like a broken leg: it’s okay to take some painkillers for that. Same philosophy here, too. Sometimes your brain needs a little bit of help to focus on the right things.

Keep moving forward.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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I am blessed to work in the behavioral health field as a nurse at our hospital (in fact, I’m using their computer right now! Shhhhh…). I therefore am a big believer in the benefit of medication as well. As Bingowings stated, beta blockers are effective. Designed as blood pressure meds, they bring down your BP and heart rate, but in so doing they also lower your fight or flight response, and thus reduce your anxiety. Inderal, or generically known as propranolol, is a good choice as it does not usually tank the BP of a person with normal blood pressure, but it will still reduce the heart rate and the anxiety. First generation antihistamines can also be effective, such as Atarax or Vistaril (slightly different compounds of hydroxyzine). Be wary of bezodiazepines, such as Xanax (alprazolam), Ativan (lorazepam), Klonipin (clonazepam), etc. While these medications are very effective, they are also addicting. Prescribers will often turn to them for long-term treatment of anxiety disorders, but the problem is, as with most addictive drugs, that not taking the medication on a regular basis will result in tremendous anxiety, even if the thing that used to trigger such anxiety is not present. They’re best only in brief treatments, while the others I’ve mentioned are better for the long haul.

But be aware that while I am an advocate for medication, I also do believe in the power of self. Not trying to sound harsh, but you are defeated before you begin. You talk about one step forward and two steps back and other statements with the expectation to fail. You do not even grant yourself the benefit of a doubt. You have already lost each day when you first wake up because you do not believe you can succeed.

I work with a number of addicts. Not one of them has ever successfully achieved sobriety from alcohol or drugs without relapsing, usually several times. But the fact of the matter is any time they have maintained sobriety for even a day, a week, a month, they have achieved a victory, even if they fall short again. When they relapse, they cannot tear themselves down, consider themselves worthless failures, and expect to keep on failing, or else they will fulfill their own prophecies. Every addict who states, “I can’t do this,” can’t do it. You are, in a sense, an addict with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. If you tell yourself daily that you are a failure, that you will continue to fall short, you will continue to fail and fall short. If you tell yourself daily that you will do better, and then fall short, at least you can count the hours you succeeded. Eventually the hours will turn to days, which turn to weeks, which can hopefully turn into a lifetime of stability. But you will never get to that point if you continue to get down on yourself.

Finally, counseling is indeed a good first step. It will help you work through and process your anxieties and their triggers. Don’t be embarassed. Even therapists have therapists these days. All of us could use an unbiased person to whom we can share our feelings. You can do this, but only if you believe you can.

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Had another bad bout. I. can’t stop watching these atheist videos and theist debates and stuff. It’s driving me fucking crazy! I did manage to get an appointment with a local shrink in a few hours.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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One good treatment for an obsession is a different one. I don’t know if you have ever had an earworm (catchy tune you can’t shake) but if you listen to something similarly catchy it will overwrite your desire to listen catchy tune number 1.
Clearly watching Atheist videos is causing some of the fixation and anxiety, There are other similarly moreish video types (game walk throughs, unboxing videos etc) so the next time you get an urge to watch a theological video try watching something like that instead, and then another one. Are there any topics that you were fascinated by before your current religious debate fixation?

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Mike O said:

Had another bad bout. I. can’t stop watching these atheist videos and theist debates and stuff. It’s driving me fucking crazy! I did manage to get an appointment with a local shrink in a few hours.

Good luck. Just remember to be as open and honest with them as you are with us.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Nice guy, but detached even for a shrink. I get that’s their job, but he was awfully aloof. When I told him that I may switch, he was quite kind and said that the compatibility of therapist and the patient was of paramount importance, and if I felt that way, to let him know. Basically just ran down the whole list of what’s going on, what I do, etc. I know this will take time, and grow was just a session to get ready. Slipped again almost immediately afterwards, and have a nasty nasal infection which is draining into my throat, so no I’m sick mentally and physically.

Bingowings said:

One good treatment for an obsession is a different one. I don’t know if you have ever had an earworm (catchy tune you can’t shake) but if you listen to something similarly catchy it will overwrite your desire to listen catchy tune number 1.
Clearly watching Atheist videos is causing some of the fixation and anxiety, There are other similarly moreish video types (game walk throughs, unboxing videos etc) so the next time you get an urge to watch a theological video try watching something like that instead, and then another one. Are there any topics that you were fascinated by before your current religious debate fixation?

I had all kids: movies, music, books, comics, all of the stuff we talk about around here. Why don’t I look at that instead of all this shit which is upsetting me, you might ask? That’s an excellent fucking question! And fuck, do I wish I had an answer.

EDIT: It just keeps getting worse! Fuck! What the fuck is happening to me?!

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Good for you for getting out there and doing it. That’s another victory, no?

Give this therapist another shot or two. Then if they’re not gelling with you, feel free to change it up, but at least give them a chance.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

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I’m going to park the advice car for a minute and just remark on how articulate and courageous Mike O has been typing about what must be a very emotionally frustrating and confusing situation. There are plenty of people who have feelings like this and experience difficult to explain obsessions and don’t talk to anyone about it. Many of which sadly find no other escape than suicide. That you have been so frank and open to advice may help someone else wandering onto your words. Thanks for doing that and to all those in distress on the ocean of the web may you all avoid the rocks and find a safe harbour.

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Bingowings said:

I’m going to park the advice car for a minute and just remark on how articulate and courageous Mike O has been typing about what must be a very emotionally frustrating and confusing situation. There are plenty of people who have feelings like this and experience difficult to explain obsessions and don’t talk to anyone about it. Many of which sadly find no other escape than suicide. That you have been so frank and open to advice may help someone else wandering onto your words. Thanks for doing that and to all those in distress on the ocean of the web may you all avoid the rocks and find a safe harbour.

Great post, Bingo. You rock.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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God, please, make it stop! I hope the next session is a bit more helpful. I know this takes time, but I hurt so much.

Just had another big slip. I can’t control this. I’m not strong enough. I don’t know what to do.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Of course you’re strong enough, Mike. You’re self aware enough to not only identify that things aren’t right but to take action to try to make it right. Even coming on here and just writing about how bad you feel is a positive thing. It’s hard, it’ll take you a very long time to begin to feel in control and all the things you hate about those impulses might never leave you. But you’re on the right path as far as I can see.

The only thing you shouldn’t do is give up. It’ll be very difficult and you’ll feel like giving up every single day but just don’t, okay? You can slip as many times as you want but as long as you keep on trying to get the better of it you’ll never be weak. You’ll feel weak, you just won’t be weak.

Make sure you read Bingowings’ post above. So many people just suppress what they’re going through. It’s so incredibly brave to be able to open up here and to your family and therapist regardless of what things feel like from the inside.

Take it slowly and keep trying, Mike.

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Mark’s Down On Your Syntax said:

Of course you’re strong enough, Mike. You’re self aware enough to not only identify that things aren’t right but to take action to try to make it right. Even coming on here and just writing about how bad you feel is a positive thing. It’s hard, it’ll take you a very long time to begin to feel in control and all the things you hate about those impulses might never leave you. But you’re on the right path as far as I can see.

The only thing you shouldn’t do is give up. It’ll be very difficult and you’ll feel like giving up every single day but just don’t, okay? You can slip as many times as you want but as long as you keep on trying to get the better of it you’ll never be weak. You’ll feel weak, you just won’t be weak.

Make sure you read Bingowings’ post above. So many people just suppress what they’re going through. It’s so incredibly brave to be able to open up here and to your family and therapist regardless of what things feel like from the inside.

Take it slowly and keep trying, Mike.

^

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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I sure don’t feel strong enough. I’ve been spending so much time indulging these compulsions today alone that it’s hard to believe. I am trying though. I wouldn’t be here and in therapy if I had another choice, so I guess that I’ve accepted that this is something beyond my control. But will I ever reconcile my beliefs? Will I ever be able to watch TV again and see something related to religion without it sending me further down the hole. Spiritual pain is different than physical pain because there’s no pill you can take.

Of course my whole premise is flawed: if I’m not, as I’ve said I’m not, a hardcore theist And I don’t define myself that ways I’d never bregudge a person who suffered evil and loss for not believing, I rarely every even discuss these things with anyone because I prefer to keep them private, and I certainly don’t believe that the views I was taught were the only ones, and I’m full capable of thinking that an atheist can be a moral person, or that various other spiritual or religious beliefs constitute a path to some sort of enlightenment or transcendence. I can hear the sneering atheists telling me that it’s cognitive dissonance as I come to “the truth,” but as mentioned, I’d reconciled that long ago with the fact that I’d mutated my beliefs into something more deistic, spiritual, and broad, and have never claimed to have all of the answers.

I’m not a Bible-reader, an every-Sunday churchgoer, or deeply religious. It was a personal cultural and spiritual thing to me which I rarely ever ventured too deeply into not because I didn’t care, but because I’d simply achieved a sort of happy medium in my own personal beliefs. I liked having personal faith. I didn’t look to it for EVERYTHING by any means (And certainly not politics, God knows!), but I liked seeing “God” in a gorgeous sunset or a beautiful baby with chubby cheeks. That comforted me. It sustained me. I don’t want to be an atheist.

Besides that, I don’t like simply sneering at “zombie Jesus bullshit.” My mother or my friend are people of deep faith. It sustains them. It makes them strong. It makes them hopeful. It gives them purpose. I don’t sneer at that. I envy it. I have no interest in being an anti-theist or fighting religion, and liked my more liberal religion. Of course I don’t literally believe that Noah’s Ark happened, by having the knowledge of theology was cool and interesting in stories. Yeah, I picked and chose. But I liked keeping the things which promoted compassion and enriched my life amd throwing out the parts that were in any way hatful or archaic. I had my own views. If this is all it takes to make them collapse, they must not have been very strong.

I’m tired of it. I want to be able to watch a TV show with a priest or an angel in it without going down this hole. I like superheroe comics and mythology, is it too much to ask thay I be allowed to enjoy it without this happening. I want to be able to focus on what’s actually wrong in my life, in my REAL life, without this inane problem. Fuck me, I’m tired of this. I don’t want to feel this bizarre compulsion to watch Dan Barker and William Lane Craig and these countless videos and debates. I want to stop reading about problems of evil and ontological arguments and fine-tuning and gaps and all of the endless arguments that run in circles. Why isn’t what I personally had good enough for me anymore? Why can’t I play Link’s Awakening and watch Agents of SHIELD and go out with my friends and have my appetite and libido back. I want to be able to think what I want to think instead of what my OCD wants me to think. Where does it begin and where do I end? Am I really depressed, or just selfish? How long will it take to adjust the medication? Can I? God, this is torture. All day, every day, this endless circular insanity. Why do I feel these urges? Why can I control them? This isn’t like wanting to check locks or something. This is more serious. That’s what really scares me. I’m sor tired of this shit.

I apologize for the ranting. I thank everyone for listening and for their kindness. I just needed to get some more of this out.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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No worries, pal. That’s why we’re here. Just keep pushing.

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)

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Not to deny any God you see but there are other nice things to see in sunsets or babies. If I were responsible for something as fabulous as the universe I’d rather you noticed it, not me. Sunsets are their own reward.
Does Van Gogh’s signature define his paintings. Is his biography essential or just an informative extra? The beauty is in the work surely? If you found out all those sunflowers were Gauguin instead the pictures wouldn’t change.

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Just randomly went on Google and found a guy who’d lost his faith because he was suffering with disease. What a happy story. Why can I stop reading this? Why can’t I stay off these goddamn websites?!

EDIT: And again. And again. And again.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Your anxiety doesn’t seem to be from your quest so much as your self conscious awareness of it. The amount of times you complain about looking up things trumps the number of times you express a worry about what you find. Don’t berate yourself for finding or reading these things. But try to make a concerted to explore other things too. Maybe you could start a thread listing links to things you discovered today that aren’t directly linked to theology. That is a subject that already interests you tell us about other things in a new thread.

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Man, I was a rock star last night. I felt way better. At least for a few hours. Then this came back, and worse than ever. And I woke up this morning and it’s still buzzing. I contacted my prescribing doc to see if she can spike up my medicine. This is truly torture inside of my head. God, please, make it stop. Hopefully she’ll call back soon.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

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Bingowings said:

Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

Don’t have the new meds yet. My prescribing doc called today and says she’ll check my chart and call back tomorrow about spiking up the dosage.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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Mike O said:I felt way better. At least for a few hours.

Feeling better for a few hours is still progress. As you improve, these spells of wellbeing should occur more frequently and last last longer.

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Mike O said:

Bingowings said:

Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

Don’t have the new meds yet. My prescribing doc called today and says she’ll check my chart and call back tomorrow about spiking up the dosage.

I apologise, when you talked about upping the dose I thought you had started taking the medication. Bear what I said in mind when you start the medication then. Your body will need to adjust to the change so you will probably continue to have changeable days.

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Bingowings said:

Mike O said:

Bingowings said:

Having good and bad days during the early stages of a new round of medicines is expected. I can say don’t worry about it, don’t worry about it (<see😉). You will worry but you don’t need to and knowing that might take the edge of it.

Don’t have the new meds yet. My prescribing doc called today and says she’ll check my chart and call back tomorrow about spiking up the dosage.

I apologise, when you talked about upping the dose I thought you had started taking the medication. Bear what I said in mind when you start the medication then. Your body will need to adjust to the change so you will probably continue to have changeable days.

This! Hang in there, keep seein’ that pro!

Keep Circulating the Tapes.

END OF LINE

(It hasn’t happened yet)