I sure don’t feel strong enough. I’ve been spending so much time indulging these compulsions today alone that it’s hard to believe. I am trying though. I wouldn’t be here and in therapy if I had another choice, so I guess that I’ve accepted that this is something beyond my control. But will I ever reconcile my beliefs? Will I ever be able to watch TV again and see something related to religion without it sending me further down the hole. Spiritual pain is different than physical pain because there’s no pill you can take.
Of course my whole premise is flawed: if I’m not, as I’ve said I’m not, a hardcore theist And I don’t define myself that ways I’d never bregudge a person who suffered evil and loss for not believing, I rarely every even discuss these things with anyone because I prefer to keep them private, and I certainly don’t believe that the views I was taught were the only ones, and I’m full capable of thinking that an atheist can be a moral person, or that various other spiritual or religious beliefs constitute a path to some sort of enlightenment or transcendence. I can hear the sneering atheists telling me that it’s cognitive dissonance as I come to “the truth,” but as mentioned, I’d reconciled that long ago with the fact that I’d mutated my beliefs into something more deistic, spiritual, and broad, and have never claimed to have all of the answers.
I’m not a Bible-reader, an every-Sunday churchgoer, or deeply religious. It was a personal cultural and spiritual thing to me which I rarely ever ventured too deeply into not because I didn’t care, but because I’d simply achieved a sort of happy medium in my own personal beliefs. I liked having personal faith. I didn’t look to it for EVERYTHING by any means (And certainly not politics, God knows!), but I liked seeing “God” in a gorgeous sunset or a beautiful baby with chubby cheeks. That comforted me. It sustained me. I don’t want to be an atheist.
Besides that, I don’t like simply sneering at “zombie Jesus bullshit.” My mother or my friend are people of deep faith. It sustains them. It makes them strong. It makes them hopeful. It gives them purpose. I don’t sneer at that. I envy it. I have no interest in being an anti-theist or fighting religion, and liked my more liberal religion. Of course I don’t literally believe that Noah’s Ark happened, by having the knowledge of theology was cool and interesting in stories. Yeah, I picked and chose. But I liked keeping the things which promoted compassion and enriched my life amd throwing out the parts that were in any way hatful or archaic. I had my own views. If this is all it takes to make them collapse, they must not have been very strong.
I’m tired of it. I want to be able to watch a TV show with a priest or an angel in it without going down this hole. I like superheroe comics and mythology, is it too much to ask thay I be allowed to enjoy it without this happening. I want to be able to focus on what’s actually wrong in my life, in my REAL life, without this inane problem. Fuck me, I’m tired of this. I don’t want to feel this bizarre compulsion to watch Dan Barker and William Lane Craig and these countless videos and debates. I want to stop reading about problems of evil and ontological arguments and fine-tuning and gaps and all of the endless arguments that run in circles. Why isn’t what I personally had good enough for me anymore? Why can’t I play Link’s Awakening and watch Agents of SHIELD and go out with my friends and have my appetite and libido back. I want to be able to think what I want to think instead of what my OCD wants me to think. Where does it begin and where do I end? Am I really depressed, or just selfish? How long will it take to adjust the medication? Can I? God, this is torture. All day, every day, this endless circular insanity. Why do I feel these urges? Why can I control them? This isn’t like wanting to check locks or something. This is more serious. That’s what really scares me. I’m sor tired of this shit.
I apologize for the ranting. I thank everyone for listening and for their kindness. I just needed to get some more of this out.