You did have a victory. Resisting an impulse once means that you can do it again. The fact that you slipped afterwards doesn’t take that away and doesn’t mean that you’ll be unable to resist in future.
Bingo. Focus on the positives.
Keep pushing forward, keep looking for that professional, but above all just keep on fighting.
One thing you’ll learn in therapy is that we have a great deal of control over ourselves. Sometimes it’s not easy, sometimes you’ll need guidance, sometimes you’ll fail, but it can be done. You just need to learn how right now. Please don’t give up.