Just had a screaming match with my mother on the phone because my depression/anxiety/OCD is so bad. She got righteously angry at my negativity about hoping for the improvements the therapists we’re desperately trying to schedule (and God will, drugs he prescribes). I hope her faith is not misplaced, and I do understand her anger at my obsessive negativity.
Speaking of faith, it’s what was the instigator of this whole situation. Have broken my years-long vow to avoid any and all discussion of religion, a simple set of forum posts led me down a rabbit hole, and my OCD inexplicably manifested itself as a desire to watch a whole variety of atheist-atheist debates and journey down into some of the darker and nastier parts of contemporary atheism. Having some time ago come to the conclusion that my views were broader, more liberal, spiritual, and somewhat deistic, I don’t know why I chose to do this (and I cannot offer any valid reason as to why I literally felt unable to stop watching these things, knowing fully how upsetting I would find them), but it has in turn manifested itself as a Bergman film-style existential crisis of “Oh, my faith is gone, what will I do, everything I believe is a lie, oh God,” and a nonstop series of anxiety attacks and further obsessive thoughts. And I am not ending figurative when I say that I literally cannot stop. I know that some parities here are not particularly sympathetic with religion (I hear angry atheists in the back of my mind telling me I’m experiencing cognitive dissonance as “see the truth”), but I hope for some sympathy and prayers if there are any such types around. Because of the particular focus, I remain highly skeptical if any therapy can be helpful, but hopefully my mother’s faith in it is rather more likely than my own.
This is destroying my life. I saw an adorable baby today who was so cute that a few week ago, I’d have been seeing marvelous happiness, but today, I wasn’t able to muster up much enthusiasm. I’ve haven’t watched a single film or television show in weeks, barely read, don’t eat much, and the strain it has put on my relationship with my parents is getting hard to manage. They’re fearful I may be suicidal (which I’m not), and it’s hurting them almost as much as me. It’s becoming hell to attempt to work day-to-day in retail and attempt to function, but I can’t afford to take time off.
I haven’t indulged any of my compulsions yet today anyway. Doubt that’ll last.