Got on the phone today and found a place which would take my insurance, and their price is good. Unfortunately, I had another really bad attack, and they’re getting worse, this time fixated on Dan Barker, an evangelical preacher turned militant atheism activist who makes Christopher Hitchens look like a priest. Again, feel like I can’t stop. The guy has a particularly militarized rhetoric, which is fine, and beliefs he’s entitled to and free to espouse, but my obsession is starting to worsen. It was better last night and then it spiked up this morning. I feel sick to my stomach. This is destroying my appetite. I really want to stay asleep and stop getting up in the morning. Can therapy really help with this? I don’t know anymore. I want to cry in he corner. I feel the compulsion again even though I’ve indulged it several times in the last couple minutes. I can’t make it stop. I don’t think a therapist can help. I don’t think anything can help. It’s starting again. God, I wish I hadn’t woken up this morning.

It’s starting again: “It’s destroying my faith! If he’s a former preacher, he must be right! Oh, God! Look at all of the comments! Here are more video links!”

What’s being discussed, as I mentioned, isn’t necessarily even what I believe (as outlined above, my own views are broader and more different). But it still eats away at my mind. Now I’m going “Well, therapy can’t help, because he’s disproven my “beliefs!” The therapist can’t tell me something to restore my faith! I’m doomed!”

God Almighty, help me. I have to work in 60 seconds. I CANNOT stop. This is destroying me. I wish I hadn’t woken up this morning. This is horrible. A few months ago, I’d gone through all of this and come out the other end as what I described above. Now I’m in this hell, and it IS a hell.