Mike O said:
I want to be able to watch a television show which depicts or has characters talking about these issues and observe the intellectual distance I did previously. I want to be able to read books and comic again, watch movies again, watch TV again, do things I enjoy again without this literally gnawing away at my mind. But I can’t.
I do understand what you’re describing. You’ve suffered some kind of trauma that has stripped away the shields/calluses that we all develop to stop ourselves from being emotionally affected by things that we frequently come across in day-to-life. As a result, anything that brings to mind what caused the problem (even in the most oblique way) causes you distress. It’s a bit like having the skin worn away to the point where touching anything hurts: it will heal, but you have to give it time.
Explain what you’ve told us to your parents (making the intensity of the problem clear), and ask them to help you restrict your access to things that set you off. You’ll be able to enjoy the things that you have described again, but not until you are better. I’m not saying that you have to give up television and the internet entirely (though this might be a good idea for a few days until you’ve had your first meeting with a therapist), but there are ways to limit your access.
Perhaps, you might agree to access the internet two or three times a week with a friend/relative sitting next to you so you can check your mail or whatever but have someone there if you are tempted to look at things you shouldn’t. A similar approach might work for television: work out what shows don’t set you off, and find a way of restricting your viewing to those. For some people, all they can watch when they have gone through this sort of thing is a particular children’s television series or a certain comedy or whatever. (People usually find something.) These are all just suggestions: you’ll have to work out a course of action that fits you, but I think it is important at this stage that you enlist other people’s help so you can avoid your triggers. (If you had an obesity problem, you’d be asking your mother not to buy cookies or whatever.)
I don’t know how to take this to a therapist because I have absolutely no idea what she’ll say!
You’ve explained it to us, so you can explain it to her. Don’t worry about what she’ll think, because no matter how bad or weird you think it is, therapists have heard it all before – believe me.
It’s incredibly stupid, but it feels like some sort of physical compulsion. Like a need. To do something which I know will upset me. It’s so stupid. All of this stuff is old anyway…
…It just endlessly circular!
You have managed to get yourself locked into a sort of loop. The fact that going over things again and again makes no sense and is not going to achieve anything does not matter any more, because the cycle that you have described is part of what’s going wrong, not something rational.
It sounds as if you are close to having a visit to a therapist lined up, which is great. Please do go through with it. Perhaps your parents might be able to pay for just the first session themselves before you finalize what the insurance can cover. Even a single visit could be immensely beneficial, and you might walk away with a prescription for something that might help.