Tyrphanax said:
Mike O said:
Tyrphanax said:
Mike O said:
The puns are fun, but this is some seriously scary stuff for me. I’m worried that I might approaching some sort of breakdown.
I was being serious. If it’s seriously scary, you need to talk to someone. We’re all here to back you up, but we can’t provide much more than platitudes over the internet. You gotta take care of yourself and there is no shame in seeing someone who’s been to school for many years to help someone with your issues.
I’m looking into it, but unfortunately it’s a holiday weekend, so it’s going to be a while before anyone is even open. I opened up to my mother, and she’s been appropriately sympathetic and is trying to help as well. But even if we do get someone, who knows if said mental health professional will be compatible with me or even be able to help? I have to work in five minutes, and it’s hard to function this way day-to-day.
I can’t make guarantees, but if you’re really serious about the therapy and are truly tired of your situation, then you’ll be willing to do the work necessary to make progress. It’s not going to be easy or overnight, but it certainly can work.
I know intellectually that I’m going to have to do the heavy lifting, that it takes time and effort, and that it’s hard, but I’m worried that I’m going to look at therapy as some sort of cure-all and be angry after a couple of sessions if I’m not magically better. I just don’t want to think about this anymore. I was never deeply religious enough to be having some sort of theological crisis which has inexplicably manifested itself after reading stupid forum posts. I respect other peoples’ beliefs, and had my own. My parents never rode me about it, my friends never rode me about it, I was able to intellectually compartmentalize it and function perfectly fine. I want my mind back! I want to be able to come home from work and watch a movie or read a book without worrying about the problem of evil. I want to be able to clear off my DVR without constantly obsessing about things that have puzzled philosophers for thousands of years. I want to be able to enjoy my life again. I want to be able to relax. I want to be able to smile. I want to be able to stop thinking about things when I want to.
Just a little background to get this off of my chest: I was brought up Catholic. It gave me an exceptional private school education (extremely pro-science), a strong understanding of morality, and a good sense of community. No, I don’t believe that what I was taught was the only truth. Yes, I believe that an atheist is perfectly capable of being a moral person. I respect other peoples’ beliefs, and as I had my doubts, my beliefs mutated into something a bit more deistic. I look at these many different interpretations of things as a sort of path to spirituality, and thought they I saw my idea of God in beauty and aesthetics. I was fine with this viewpoint. It comforted me and seem a happy intermediary. I guess on some level you could argue that since I found some atheistic arguments more convincing than some theistic ones, I had some sort of cognitive dissonance where I feel like it was some kind of divine punishment for doubt or something, but no one has ever said that to me, so if that’s the case, then it’s something in my unconscious mind.
I don’t sneer at faith and tell people they believe in Santa Claus and magic men and bullshit about zombies and talking snakes. My mother’s faith is all that sustains her sometimes. It gives her hope. It gives her strength. It gives her purpose. I don’t denigrate that. I admire, even envy it. As I stopped going to church quite so regularly, she never rode me about it. No one has ever told me I was going to hell or given me an “accept Christ into your heart” speech or anything. It’s a strong part of my cultural upbringing, but it’s not like I feel isolated in any way. On the contrary, it gave me a strong sense of community.
I definitely don’t go with the Catholic church on some moral or social issues. I’m pretty leftist politically and far from the Church on many issues, and certainly not politically aligned with most of my family. I’m fairly quiet about it, not because I feel persecuted, but because I feel it’s largely personal. I’ve never used my religious beliefs or lack of religious beliefs to justify any viewpoints or argue with anyone. One of my best friends is agnostic. He told me that, I shrugged, and we didn’t talk about it anymore. It wasn’t a huge rift in our friendship or anything. Faith comes in many forms, and it isn’t for everybody and is different for everybody. I certainly wouldn’t begrudge a person who saw suffering or had an unimaginable loss or pain in his life for losing faith. I understand that. This was my personal spirituality and theology. If there’s an afterlife, I’ll find out the same way everybody else does, and I certainly don’t believe such an idea is necessary for someone to want to behave morally or make the world a better place. I liked also how the beliefs I grew up with gave me an understanding of a lot of the underpinnings of lots of art, from fun stuff like Supernatural to heavy stuff like Paradise Lost. I was cool with this.
Years ago, I came across various things online about “zombie Jesus, cannibalistic communion,” and all of the usual rhetoric. It was good for me to have doubts, and I was good for me to rethink, even if most involved were assholes. After a certain point, I made a vow to stay far away from this kind of thing, and never click on anything that I knew would lead to religious discussion. I broke this rule a month or two ago on DVD Talk, stumbling into a gigantic, sprawling debate, with a lot of the nastier side of the rhetoric. I cannot emphasize enough how much I believe in freedom of speech and peoples’ rights to say such things, I just wish I hadn’t clicked on it. But I did. And I can’t undo what it did. I followed a few links in it as well (I didn’t participate in any discussion personally), and it led me down the rabbit hole of various atheist websites and YouTube videos.
All of the arguments about these topics have been thoroughly mined, and I’ve heard all of this stuff before. Hell, I heard it all the time on House, Bones, True Detective. I was always able to watch and observe enough intellectual distance to enjoy the shows. Lately, my obsessive compulsive disorder, never previously this bad, has manifested itself as an odd form of scrupulosity, constantly watching atheist-theist debates on YouTube or angry atheist memes or Googling various things I knew would upset me like “God is evil” or “Religion is stupid.” I physically felt Unable to stop myself from looking at these things, know they would upset me further, but also feeling an odd temporary relief from the compulsions. It’s the most masochist thing imaginable.
I’ve had enough. I don’t have a Bible by my bedside, so it’s not like this was ever a big component of my life. It’s manifested itself completely Suddenly, and it’s literally ruining my life. My appetite is destroyed. I can’t watch the programs on my DVR. I’ve tried my usual method for Turning my mind from such things-gaming with audiobooks-but it won’t help. I can’t stop. I can’t escape. It’s consuming my mind. Customers at work are starting to comment on how I look or that I seems sick or don’t talk as much as I used to.
I have real-world problems: a job that makes me unhappy, sexual dissatisfaction, personal feelings about my place in life. These seem far more worth worrying about that what I’ve describe above. What I’ve talked about is worth thinking about, but it’s not worth allowing it destroy my life and occupy every moment. I love film. I want to watch movies again. I want to be able to wake up and not fear the day, do my job and not feel like my mind is being eaten.
When I opened up to my mother about this, she was unexpectedly kind and sympathetic. Now that the holiday weekend is over, she’s looking for a therapist for me. She’s loving. My father is loving. My family is loving. I have a middle class home where I live in comfort (And air-conditioning!). Why is this happening to me? Why can’t I make it stop? I feel like my head will explode. I can’t feel better. I can’t fix it. God, it’s horrible.
EDIT: I finally got a day off work and slept in until 2:00. More compulsions. It’s getting worse. It’s getting harder. My parents are both shrink-hunting for me. I wish I could take a pill and just sleep. I wouldn’t have to think if I was still asleep. This is getting harder and harder to deal with.