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The Force Awakens : Fan Edit Ideas — Page 24

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ImperialFighter said:

DominicCobb said:

I really have very small interest in TFA fan edits because I know they’ll mostly just cut out stuff I love, but there are some small quibblies that I’ll probably have to sort out for myself at some point.

For instance, and it’s strange no one’s mentioned this, but the Kylo speaks to Vader scene doesn’t really work. I mean, as a scene, by itself, it totally works. But it’s placement within the film just seems… random? It’s right in the middle of the sequence of the heroes at Maz’s castle, but it’s only about a minute long and doesn’t really have anything to do with that. So just a very short and unrelated detour, which sort of ruins the power of the scene a bit.

So I see two options to fix.
A) Make the scene more relevant to Kylo’s storyline. Solution: move the scene right after Snoke’s “We shall see.”
or B) Make the scene more relevant to the heroes storyline. Solution: move the scene right after Han and Leia talk about Kylo.

This sounds like a very good point indeed, considering that I found that substantially re-arranging the position of certain scenes in the prequels for my own cut-lists made them much more impactful for me. I’m definately gonna have a look at this suggestion of yours when I get around to pinning down my own TFA alterations. It’s a great scene, but I agree it’s placement might be more effective if used elsewhere.

I’ve spent a bit more time working out my own ideal version of TFA recently, and thought that some of you might be interested in my conclusion to do with DC’s suggestion above - while I reckon the ‘Stardestroyer/Kylo talking to Vader’s mask’ scene works well enough as a ‘cutaway-setting’ during the initial ‘Maz’s palace’ sequence at that point, I’ve decided I’d prefer to SHIFT it for my own version after all - although to a different spot to either of DC’s suggestions. And I’ve also decided I’d like to move the position of a couple of other major scenes too.

However, I’m currently very torn between whether I’d prefer to keep the FULL ‘Hux speech/Starkiller weapon firing/Finn & Han looking upwards as the Hosnian Republic planets are destroyed’ sequence as it currently stands (due to loving the score heard throughout it, and some of the shots included)…OR whether I’d prefer to CHOP IT UP and show the Starkiller weapon firing and destroying the planets after Han’s death instead (in a somewhat similar manner as the way shown in some edits/clips already - which unfortunately means losing a few ‘Kylo/Hux/First Order troops’ shots I really like, as well as the full melancholy score at this point). At the moment, I’m slightly leaning towards KEEPING the current overall structure just as it is, while changing other things in the movie…but I may end up doing BOTH versions eventually to see which flows best for me overall.

In the meantime, here are some scene rearrangements I’m planning for my version where the FULL existing ‘Hux speech/Starkiller weapon firing/Finn & Han looking upwards as the Hosnian Republic planets are destroyed’ sequence is KEPT just as it is -

To recap, the CURRENT sequence of scenes are arranged like this -

…once the Falcon blasts off at the end of the ‘rathtars’ sequence, we see the 'pirate informer’s close-up as he notifies the First Order that BB-8 is with Han in the Falcon…and then go to seeing 2 TIEs fly towards the Starkiller base as we see the 1st ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene (which ends with Snoke saying “We shall see…we shall see”)…and then go to the Falcon in hyperspace/Han and Rey struggling for control/Finn bandaging Chewie/BB-8 showing Han his ‘piece of the map’/Han telling them “this is our stop”…and then go to the Falcon in hyperspace, as it approaches Maz’s planet/our heroes land on Maz’s planet, and enter Maz’s premises/where a droid informs the ‘resistance’ of their whereabouts, followed by a female informing the ‘First Order’ too…and then go to the Stardestroyer where Kylo speaks to Vader’s mask/and continue with Maz discussing things with Han, Rey, and Finn/as Finn tells Rey he’s leaving, and Rey ends up being drawn to Luke’s saber and has bad visions/before she tells Maz she wants nothing to do with it, and runs away into the woods…and then go to the ‘Starkiller planet/Hux’s speech/weapon firing/Kylo watching from stardestroyer bridge/Finn and Han’s reactions/Hosnian people and planets blowing up’ sequence…before eventually returning to Rey running through the woods, who has been followed by BB-8, as she then sees the approaching TIE ships flying overhead, and is eventually captured by Kylo soon after…

However, my own re-arrangement of the above scenes will look like this INSTEAD (with the shifted scenes in CAPITALS) -

…once the Falcon blasts off at the end of the ‘rathtars’ sequence, we see the 'pirate informer’s close-up as he notifies the First Order that BB-8 is with Han in the Falcon…AND THEN GO TO THE FALCON IN HYPERSPACE/HAN AND REY STRUGGLING FOR CONTROL/FINN BANDAGING CHEWIE/BB-8 SHOWING HAN HIS ‘PIECE OF THE MAP’/HAN TELLING THEM “THIS IS OUR STOP”…and then go to seeing 2 TIEs fly towards the starkiller base as we see the 1st ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene (which ends with Snoke saying “We shall see…we shall see”)…AND THEN GO TO THE FALCON IN HYPERSPACE AGAIN AT THIS POINT, AS IT APPROACHES MAZ’S PLANET/our heroes land on Maz’s planet, and enter Maz’s premises/where a droid informs the ‘resistance’ of their whereabouts, followed by a female informing the ‘First Order’ too…AND CONTINUE WITH MAZ DISCUSSING THINGS WITH HAN, REY, AND FINN AT THIS POINT/as Finn tells Rey he’s leaving, and Rey ends up being drawn to Luke’s sabre and has bad visions/before she tells Maz she wants nothing to do with it, and runs away into the woods…AND THEN GO TO THE ‘STARDESTROYER WHERE KYLO SPEAKS TO VADER’S MASK’ SCENE…and then go to the FULL ‘Starkiller planet/Hux’s speech/weapon firing/Kylo watching from stardestroyer bridge/Finn and Han’s reactions/Hosnian people and planets blowing’ sequence as it currently stands in the movie…before eventually returning to Rey running through the woods, who had been followed by BB-8, as she then sees the approaching TIE ships flying overhead, and is eventually captured by Kylo soon after…

(Note: I reckon the current placement of the 1st ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene certainly works just fine as it is after the ‘rathtar’ sequence ‘pirate informer’ notifies the First Order of BB-8’s whereabouts…and the only reason I’m moving it at all, is that I want to continue on with the Falcon’s interior scenes after it blasts off, and also like the notion of then SPLITTING the Falcon’s journey to Maz’s planet with the ‘Snoke cutaway-setting’ at that point instead…and while DC’s idea to stick the ‘Kylo/Vader’s Mask’ scene to immediately after the 1st ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene can work quite effectively as a way to stay with a ‘Kylo cutaway setting’ a little longer, I just slightly prefer staying a little longer with him using a direct join with the ‘Hux speech/weapon firing’ scene instead…ESPECIALLY as the stardestroyer shots tie-in very nicely nearer together)

…and then jumping forward in the movie a little, I’ve also decided to shift the 2nd ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene also - however, I’ve decided on a certain change for myself that I know some others aren’t keen on - totally removing the ‘Kylo unmasking/Rey interrogation’ scene, so that I can keep Kylo’s ‘face reveal’ until Han tells him to take his helmet off on the gantry. Thing is, due to the fact that the movie ends up revealing that Kylo is Han’s son early on in the proceedings…along with having the big set-piece of the Starkiller weapon destroying the planets early on too (about half-way through)…then I feel that I’d like to at least keep the ‘reveal/mystery’ of what ‘Ben’ actually looks like, to much later in the movie.

I wasn’t sure if it was possible to do this adequately for myself initially. But on balance I think so, as I can see a way where I can rearrange the footage/dialogue from BOTH of the ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scenes to still make 2 scenes that are satisfying enough for me…where Kylo keeps his helmet on throughout. And while I like the dialogue between Kylo and Rey in the interrogation scene, I reckon I can live without it for the ‘effect’ of Kylo’s reveal at the point Han catches up with him.

So here’s how I’d now insert the 2nd ‘Snoke/Hux/Kylo’ scene instead -

To recap, the CURRENT sequence of scenes are arranged like this -

…the movie has progressed from where Kylo took Rey away, to the point in the ‘resistance base’ where Leia is telling Han that she wants him to get their son back, and she walks away when told “General, the reconnaissance report on the enemy base has come in”…and then go to 2 TIEs flying over the snowy First Order base/where Rey wakens to her interrogation by Kylo/and the 2nd Snoke scene starts with him yelling “The scavenger resisted you?” at a HELMETLESS Kylo (and ends with Snoke saying “Bring…her…to…me”)/Rey struggles and attempts to make a trooper free her, as Kylo approaches with helmet on/Rey tries again, and succeeds in getting the trooper to free her and drop his weapon/as Kylo returns and smashes up the empty room with his sabre/as 2 troopers turn around and go back the way they came/and Hux on base bridge says "Begin charging the weapon, as we then see the sun sucked towards the planet, and we then return to the ‘resistance’ base as Poe discusses the Starkiller hologram with everyone…

And here’s how my own re-arrangement of the scenes will look INSTEAD (with the shifted scene in CAPITALS) -

…the movie has progressed from where Kylo took Rey away, to the point in the ‘resistance base’ where Leia is telling Han that she wants him to get their son back, as she walks away when told “General, the reconnaissance report on the enemy base has come in”…and then go to 2 TIEs flying over the snowy First Order base…AND THEN GO TO A ‘REARRANGED’ VERSION OF THE 2ND ‘SNOKE/HUX/KYLO’ SCENE WHERE KYLO ‘KEEPS HIS HELMET ON’ (AND ENDS ON SNOKE SAYING “BRING…HER…TO…ME”)…and then go to Rey struggling and attempting to make a trooper free her, as Kylo approaches with helmet on/Rey tries again, and succeeds in getting the trooper to free her and drop his weapon/as Kylo returns and smashes up the empty room with his sabre/as 2 troopers turn around and go back the way they came/and Hux on base bridge says “Begin charging the weapon”, as we then see the sun sucked towards the planet, and we then return to the ‘resistance’ base as Poe discusses the Starkiller hologram with everyone…

So that’s what I’ve got in mind for all that if I KEEP the Starkiller weapon firing where it currently is in the movie. (but of course, certain scenes would be re-arranged a bit differently for my version where it fires AFTER Han’s death)

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I’ve been reading through this thread again (not finished yet) and there are some things that came back to my attention of being in need of fixing in some way.

The first one would be R2s miracle recovery just when he’s needed. We can probably all agree that this is a really cheap plot device and there have been some suggestions in this thread how it could be improved. I think that a good and easy way to make it somewhat better would be to cut 3PO saying that R2 probably doesn’t have the map. Then I’d also suggest adding some more shots of BB-8 talking to R2 just before he wakes up to imply that BB-8 has been trying to wake R2 up for some time now and finally succeeds in the end. Doing this would require reusing some shots from the first droid scene, but I’d say that’s fine. And while this solution doesn’t fix the problem with R2 having the rest of the map it does improve it somewhat in my eyes.

I also played around with the Hosnian Prime destruction some more. I tried to intercut SKB firing and Poe making his final attack run so that the Resistance is really really close to succeeding but still fails. But that doesn’t work at all… The scene is probably best right after Hans death.

And I also thought about my crawl and came to the conclusion that I’ll replace the first sentence with the “Luke Skywalker has vanished.” line and also slightly edited the beginning of the third paragraph. I’m not 100% sure if this change is a good idea, but I think it makes sense because Luke is who everyone is looking for in the movie and so he should also be mentioned more prominently in the crawl. The old version was better structure-wise, but the new one fits better with the rest of the movie and also has this very very cool first line.

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Ive finished off the post above which I started yesterday, but I thought I’d also go into one of the other alterations I’m planning for myself, while I’m here.

As I was working out the scenes mentioned previously, I remembered how the 'supertrooper’s battle with Finn at Maz’s palace bothered me. It’s not something I’ve seen anyone else mention, but I’m not keen on this scene at all - mainly because I really dislike the fact that the trooper’s ‘electro-baton’ seems to be so completely impervious to Finn’s various lightsabre strikes against it!

I had another look at the ‘electro-staffs’ that General Grevious’s mechanical guards use against Obi-wan and Anakin in ROTS, and the lightsabres are not as blatantly useless against them in that movie. At least we get to see the guards satisfyingly despatched by the lightsabres eventually. In this scene with Finn however, he’d have been toast if it wasn’t for Han shooting the ‘supertrooper’, as the lightsabre came across as being so ineffective.

I’m sure there are plenty who love this scene with the lone ‘supertrooper’ and all his moves…but I’ve decided to ditch this particular fight in it’s current form, by rearranging certain shots. There’s 3 ways for me to choose from - I can either shorten the fight by removing certain shots of the lightsabre striking the ‘electro-baton’ overall…or I can just have the final section play out (where the trooper gets shot by Han as he goes to strike Finn on the ground)…or I can totally remove the fight altogether. I’m leaning towards either of the latter 2 options, at the moment.

Thing is, I would have liked to have seen a small team of this ‘riot-trooper’ design sticking it to some of Maz’s denizens with their ‘riot control batons’ and ‘riot shields’…but I think just showing us a SINGLE one was a missed opportunity sadly, making it seem like this random ‘supertrooper’ was overcoming Finn’s lightsabre far too easily. Hell, the Sith could just as easily carry one of these ‘electro-batons’ around with them against the Jedi, judging by this scene!

So I’ll likely just be sticking with Finn impaling the ‘standard’ trooper in a satisfying way, and won’t show him using the lightsabre again until he gets a chance against Kylo.

(by the way, I was very excited by an early preview of the ‘flamethrower-trooper’ design initially, but ended up disappointed by the little screentime J.J. gave us of that particular variation eventually)

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Everyone on here has posted some pretty good opening crawls on here. Definitely a shout out to Kexikus. Really like yours. While I did generally like the opening crawl for TFA, it didn’t exactly fit the format of the rest. While not all of the opening crawls have to fit the same format, the opening crawls are like poetry. And poetry follows certain kinds of structures. The opening crawls for A New Hope and The Empires Strikes back are arguably the most well-written out of the saga (and my favorite two, so I suppose I’m biased), but they actually follow the same format as well. Return of the Jedi really dropped the ball but I’ve changed it in my personal edit of the movie.

Anyway, I just figured I’d give my two cents on my opening crawl philosophy so that it might help the process for others and then give my own suggestion. I know plenty of people have talked about what the content should be, those things have become clear, so instead I’ll talk more about the structure/format.

The opening crawls, according the ANH and ESB, have a few unofficial, structural rules.

  1. Four total sentences.
    The first paragraph has two sentences. The second sentence and each one after contain independent clauses.

  2. The second paragraph starts with an -ing word within an independent clause.
    i.e., “During the battle,” “Evading the dreaded Impreial Starfleet,”. I think this helps the crawl have a present-tense, action-packed feel to the story.

  3. The opening crawl has, on average, 82 words. 81 for ANH and 83 for ESB. Each paragraph is, on average, 27 words. The smallest paragraph has been 22 words and the largest 32 words. This might seem like an overblown analysis but I do think some crawls can get too wordy. Out of all of the crawls of the saga, none of them pass 83 words.

I think following these rules can help the structure of an opening crawl look and feel more in line with the others.

While I like TFA opening crawl, it actually breaks all of these rules despite getting the tone correct. It goes to 88 total words, which doesn’t really bother me. The fact that the second paragraph is two sentences is what bothers me so much. It isn’t bad but none of the other crawls do that.

So, here is my proposal based off these rules. I want to mention that mine is actually based off NeverarGreat’s great (ha) crawl, especially the last two paragraphs. So a lot of credit goes to him. While most of the first sentences set up the political situation, I think the “Luke Skywalker has vanished.” has become iconic so I’m leaving that untouched.


Luke Skywalker has vanished. Without the Jedi, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker has been destroyed.

Failing to convince the New Republic of the looming threat, General Leia Organa hastens to form a RESISTANCE as the First Order prepares their secret weapon, the STARKILLER.

Desperate for her brother’s help, Leia has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi while dark forces gather far above…


First paragraph: 28
Second: 28
Third: 27
Total: 83

Also, while not necessary, the second paragraph contains the word “secret” which both the crawls of ANH and ESB also do. Nice little touch.

So yeah, sorry for the long post. I know I seem really anal about the structure and am probably overthinking it, but I think structure/format is something often overlooked. So maybe people will like this version or use the concept to make their own. I hope this is helpful!

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darthrush said:

Hal 9000 said:

Fantastic post and I like your proposed crawl.
If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your crawl for ROTJ?

And what’s your edit for ROTJ on that note?

Sure. It isn’t perfect but I wanted to get as close to the feeling as I could to the others while also following the format. I also took inspiration from an early draft of the crawl as well other suggestions people have made on here. And yeah, I can try to give a brief synopsis of the edit.


The Alliance is doomed. Hunted by the Imperial Starfleet and suffering terrible losses, the rebels have made a desperate plan to strike back against the tyrannical Empire.

Struggling to persevere, Luke Skywalker has continued his Jedi training in preparation to rescue Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt.

Darth Vader, under the commands of his cruel Emperor, hurries the construction of a new dreaded Death Star that will bring about their ultimate victory once and for all…


So the word count goes as:
27
26
29
Total: 82

It’s starts as normal, but then goes to the deleted scene of Vader calling to Luke, then you see Luke building his lightsaber in the cave (minus it activating), and I rotoscoped it to appear as if he were on Dagobah. From there he flies off to Tatooine. Then he goes back to Dagobah after rescuing Han like he does in the movie. That’s why it says what it says in the second paragraph.

I know a lot of people put the Dagobah sequence before Jabba’s palace, but I want to preserve the mystery of Luke as much as I can. I just think it plays out well in the original. That’s also why I save the green saber reveal until the Sarlaac sequence. I also see Han’s rescue as Luke’s last trial before facing Vader. He was patient this time unlike in Empire.

Originally I had Leia’s rescue mission be separate from Luke’s because I thought the original plot made no sense. In that version you don’t see Vader call to Luke until Leia is captured, then Luke hears both Vader and Leia calling to him. But after I did it I realized it really just cut too much out of the movie, and I realized that the plan may have been to get as many people on the inside as possible and then be sent to the Sarlaac. That way they would be let out of their cells and have an escape vehicle (the skiffs). There also may have been less guards escorting them than there were in the palace. With that in mind I inserted a line from Jabba after Han is freed about how escaping his palace is impossible and no one has ever done it to help hint toward their plan. Interestingly enough Jabba is saying something before Han talks but there are no subtitles for it. Nice place to put it. I still have the other version though as well.

Boba still falls in the Sarlaac but he doesn’t scream and he puts up more of a fight. I think his “death” is pretty iconic now and I think there is a bit of irony that what takes Boba out is something that has a one-in-a-million chance of actually happening. Boba is always one step ahead of everyone but how could he foresee “blind” luck? I’d still be open to change this but I haven’t really seen an edit of this that is totally convincing.

Afterwards Luke goes back to Dagobah. I altered the dialogue so instead of asking “Is Vader my father?” which he probably would’ve already asked Yoda if he’d gone back to train, he asks him, “Why didn’t you tell me?” And I inserted the “Obi-Wan would’ve told you long ago had I let him” and pitched it a little to sound more accurate.

I do the usual with the Ewoks, except I do change one little thing to help make them look less innocent that I have yet to see in another edit.

Probably the change I’m most proud of is restructuring the Battle of Endor. In my version I have both the space and land battle going down-hill up until Vader kills the Emperor, then after that things start turning around. I won’t go into detail but I think it helps the emotions of the each sequence flow more naturally into the next. Things get bad, then good, then worse, then great. In this version, I tried to make it where if Luke failed, then the rebellion would fail.

It ends like many edits, with Luke watching the funeral pyre and panning up to the stars. No force ghosts.

It isn’t perfect. I still think the beginning is pretty dull, and a part of me would like to imply that the second Death Star is actually the first Death Star rebuilt, but I think I’d have to edit the entire trilogy to do that. But I think some of these changes really helps me take this movie more seriously and be a worthy successor to ANH and ESB. Sorry to everyone else. I know this a TFA edit thread, not a ROTJ one.

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Fantastic post indeed. I definetly agree with you that the crawls have to follow some rules in their structure as well as in their content. The biggest struggle I had with my early crawls were that they ended up being far too long with about 90-100 words. And you have a very well written crawl there.

Also, I’ve been thinking about the ROTJ crawl lately too and you do have a very nice version. But the paragraphs seem kind of unconnected. But I think that’s a problem with ROTJ crawls in general since you need to mention Lukes quest to save Han which would naturally be the third paragraph but it can’t be the third since the movie starts with something else.

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Thanks for the feedback guys.

And you’re spot on, Kexikus. I actually was thinking that when I went back and read mine. One could write at the beginning of the third paragraph, “Little does Luke know that” or “Yet he remains unaware that” to help transition into the next point, and then cut out “Hunted by the Imperial Starfleet” and just have “After suffering terrible losses” at the beginning to help maintain the word count. The original crawl actually has the whole “Little does Luke know” line so they must’ve been aware of how it felt unconnected.

Luckily it seems like an appropriate crawl for The Force Awakens won’t be as hard to figure out.

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Could be as simple as starting the third paragraph with meanwhile.

Very nice crawls by the way. I appreciate the thought put into keeping it consistent in tone and style. Have you considered making new PT crawls?

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DominicCobb said:

Could be as simple as starting the third paragraph with meanwhile.

Very nice crawls by the way. I appreciate the thought put into keeping it consistent in tone and style. Have you considered making new PT crawls?

That is true! Transitional words can make a big difference.

And I actually do have rough versions written for PT edits that I’ve been working on. Mine are actually based a lot off of Hal’s crawls, which I think are great. Cloak of Deception actually fits in the format pretty well I think. They’re really a mix between his and the original crawls, minus referencing the specific timespans between films like Hal’s do. The opening sentences are more general.

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RogueLeader said:

Luke Skywalker has vanished. Without the Jedi, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker has been destroyed.

Failing to convince the New Republic of the looming threat, General Leia Organa hastens to form a RESISTANCE as the First Order prepares their secret weapon, the STARKILLER.

Desperate for her brother’s help, Leia has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi while dark forces gather far above…


First paragraph: 28
Second: 28
Third: 27
Total: 83

I love this!! I have been trying to figure out exactly how to go about writing a crawl so thanks for that. with that being said this is my go at it using your structure and even some of the same working. i kind of used your proposed crawl as a framework for my own. lemme know what you all think:


Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and have vowed to take control of the galaxy.

Failing to convince the New Republic of this looming threat, General Leia Organa has formed a brave RESISTANCE to stand against the First Order and the powerful Starkiller weapon.

Desperate for help, General Organa has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi, while dark forces gather far above…


First Paragraph: 28 words
Second Paragraph: 29 words
Third Paragraph: 26 words
Total: 83 words

“You can’t polish a turd. But you can shape it to look like candy.”

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Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his
absence, the sinister FIRST ORDER
has risen from the ashes of the
Empire and will not rest until
Skywalker, the last of the fabled
Jedi, has been destroyed.

To combat this growing threat, the
Democratic NEW REPUBLIC mobilizes a
covert RESISTANCE led by General Leia
Organa. She is desperate to find her
Brother Luke and gain his help in help
in restoring peace and justice to the
galaxy.

As the FIRST ORDER prepares a crippling
blow to the NEW REPUBLIC, it’s dark
enforcers gather above the graveyard planet
of Jakku, where Leia has just sent ace
pilot of the RESISTANCE, Poe Dameron,
on a secret mission to discover a clue to
Luke’s whereabouts…

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uGO-SldLrNA&autoplay=1

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Jackpumpkinhead said:

Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and have vowed to take control of the galaxy.

Failing to convince the New Republic of this looming threat, General Leia Organa has formed a brave RESISTANCE to stand against the First Order and the powerful Starkiller weapon.

Desperate for help, General Organa has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi, while dark forces gather far above…

This is really good! I like how you said “this looming threat” instead. If I could give any suggestions, I can only pick out two things: I would suggest switching one of the times you use brave/bravest with a different word just for variation, since you use to describe both the Resistance and Poe. Maybe “best pilot”? And maybe you could say “their powerful Starkiller weapon” too. Nitpicky I know. I had actually considered calling it an “ancient weapon” just because I’m confused how the First Order could afford building that thing, but I felt that it was more important to know that it was unknown to the Republic.

OT Fan, yours is good too! I wanted to mention that even though the structural rules I laid out are conventions, they certainly shouldn’t be considered boundaries. Yours gives a lot of detail that mine otherwise couldn’t give. It sounds nice as well!

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RogueLeader said:

Jackpumpkinhead said:

Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence the sinister FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and have vowed to take control of the galaxy.

Failing to convince the New Republic of this looming threat, General Leia Organa has formed a brave RESISTANCE to stand against the First Order and the powerful Starkiller weapon.

Desperate for help, General Organa has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi, while dark forces gather far above…

This is really good! I like how you said “this looming threat” instead. If I could give any suggestions, I can only pick out two things: I would suggest switching one of the times you use brave/bravest with a different word just for variation, since you use to describe both the Resistance and Poe. Maybe “best pilot”? And maybe you could say “their powerful Starkiller weapon” too. Nitpicky I know. I had actually considered calling it an “ancient weapon” just because I’m confused how the First Order could afford building that thing, but I felt that it was more important to know that it was unknown to the Republic.

thank you for your suggestions
i decided to change the “…brave RESISTANCE…” to “fearless RESISTANCE…”
i think that it has a weight behind it that “brave” did not.

“You can’t polish a turd. But you can shape it to look like candy.”

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RogueLeader said:

Luke Skywalker has vanished. Without the Jedi, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has risen from the ashes of the Empire and will not rest until Skywalker has been destroyed.

Failing to convince the New Republic of the looming threat, General Leia Organa hastens to form a RESISTANCE as the First Order prepares their secret weapon, the STARKILLER.

Desperate for her brother’s help, Leia has sent her bravest pilot to Jakku to learn the location of the last Jedi while dark forces gather far above…


Best crawl I’ve seen yet. Great work 😉

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TFA introduces the Starkiller rather abruptly, halfway in. It would have been very easy to drop a line in the crawl. I wonder why they didn’t, and seemingly preferred to introduce it as they did.
That’s part of why I felt SKB was tacked on.

My stance on revising fan edits.

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“Fearless RESISTANCE” sounds good Jack!

And thanks, Lord Haseo! I appreciate the compliment.

Totally agree with you Hal. It almost felt shoehorned in. This new weapon barely has introduction and then blows up planets that we have no real attachment to. I understand that the story’s focus wasn’t on Starkiller like the Death Star was in a New Hope, but barely having any introduction to it gives the audience no time to really accept it. So to me, on my first viewing, it felt more like a Death Star 3.0 nostalgia grab. The crawl would’ve been fine if the story was more focused on searching for Luke rather than having this Starkiller subplot.

Although I would’ve preferred them not going the doomsday weapon route a third time, I can understand the logic of it happening again. But, like many have mentioned, how the First Order managed to have the resources to build it is another question. That’s why I liked the idea of it being an ancient machine that they rediscovered, maybe with the help of Snoke. It could even have been a Star Forge-like device that they converted into a weapon, explaining why the base has Imperial architecture. It could also explain how the First Order managed to build up their military forces without anyone noticing. While someone could call it an “ancient weapon” in the crawl, I think it would raise more questions than answers and it is probably more important to emphasize the secrecy of the project, explaining why the New Republic is not freaking out about it.

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So I figured I’d throw my hat in the ring!


A fledgling REPUBLIC struggles to keep peace. The sinister FIRST ORDER, an imperial remnant, has seized territory and threatens to envelop the galaxy in chaos.

General Leia Organa leads a brave RESISTANCE inside enemy space. But Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi, has vanished – and without his help this fight is futile.

Desperate to find her brother, Leia has sent her most daring pilot on a secret mission to Jakku. There, an old ally has discovered a clue to Luke’s whereabouts…


With this crawl, my prime objectives were:

1.) Clarify the sociopolitical context of the film.
2.) Reestablish the convention of ANH’s and ESB’s crawls - which open with an explanation of the wider situation (“It is a period of civil war”, “It is a dark time for the Rebellion”).

In respect to 1.), I think that the film’s events only make sense if the war between the Resistance and the First Order is interpreted as a proxy war - with the Resistance merely supported by the Republic, but nevertheless operating autonomously and in non-Republic space. General Hux, himself, states that the Republic is a “government that supports the Resistance” - and Maz Kanata mentions that the First Order is an expansionist project, “spreading its shadow across the galaxy”. So, the conflict would appear to be one of containment - the Republic subscribes to a domino theory, and seeks to limit the First Order’s influence in the galaxy by pushing back territorially via guerrilla means. The crawl should express this as best as it can.

And with 2.), while “Luke Skywalker has vanished” does make for a dramatic opening line, the Star Wars movies have always been about personal journeys projected against a larger struggle. They’re war movies - the state of war hangs over everything, and propels both characters and narrative. Emphasising wartime at the start of the crawl, then, lends this epic quality - broadening the film’s scope.

For this reason, among others, I also rewrote ROTJ’s crawl:


The Alliance is doomed. Retreating to the outer rim, the Rebels prepare for a final strike against the tyrannical Empire.

Sensing victory, Lord Vader has overseen the construction of a new Death Star – this ultimate weapon, once completed, will secure the Emperor’s spiteful reign.

With hope fading, Luke Skywalker journeys to Nal Varr in an attempt to rescue Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt…


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I really enjoy your crawls topdawg! I like how you explain your intentions of emphasizing the whole political situation, and your understanding of it based off the dialogue is very observant. The only part I’m not sure of is if what Hux said about the New Republic supporting the Resistance is truth or propoganda, because it also seems that New Republic didn’t see the First Order as a threat and saw Leia as a paranoid warmonger. We definitely could’ve used a little more context in the movie, definitely agree with that.

Also really like your ROTJ crawl. It flows really well to me. This may be the wrong thread for this but would it start on Tatooine/Nal Varr sense the crawl ends on that note? Also, I think changing it to a Hutt world is an interesting idea. Would like to see how it could be executed.

Hal, sorry if you mentioned this already, but did you have any feelings on the R2 subplot with the map? I know a lot of people felt that it seemed more like weak storytelling. The whole logic of the map is confusing to me and I know the answer JJ gave for his late wake up feels like lazy writing to some. I know this has been discussed before but I’d appreciate anyone’s additional thoughts on it.

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It didn’t really stand out too much to me, compared to SKB sticking in my craw. During the movie I assumed there was a mystical reason R2 woke up when he did. (Did Luke reach out and wake him back up? Did he detect Rey?) And I still suspect the lame-o answer of “he just then overheard they were looking for a map that he happened to have from the Death Star” might be a cover to preserve a future plot development. I also assumed Luke left the remainder of the map with R2, with contingencies for letting people find him.

My stance on revising fan edits.

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Agreed. R2 hearing that the map is needed after all that happened is probably the best explanation for why he wakes up. My main problem with his storyline is how 3PO claims that R2-D2 certainly won’t have the map and then he has it. Just cutting that line makes it a lot better already and as I described in an earlier post, having BB talk to R2 before he wakes up could improve it even further by implying that BB somehow convinced R2 that Luke has to return and thus R2 shares the map.

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It always seemed to me that R2 woke up because Luke basically told him “don’t reveal the map until the time is right”
Which was a good enough explanation for me.

3PO’s like about how it’s very unlikely r2 would have the map in his backup data or something like that did irk me though. I watch it and think “really? Why not just check to be safe? Wouldn’t hurt to look.”

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Maybe R2 having the map could be cut entirely? So there never was a complete map and Rey finds Luke through the force? Could be an interesting twist on the ‘quest to find a maguffin’ thing

I’ve edited the scene where R2 wakes up so that the map isn’t mentioned, and I moved C3P0s line ‘oh my dear friend, how I’ve missed you’ forward to this scene. It needs more work though

What do you think, would it work?

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Could R2 just be with Luke, and maybe Rey gets the ‘other half’ from the Kylo Ren during the fight?