@Mike O, I read your post, most recent post, I’m not sure if you’ve posted more on this thread but the post I did read, I felt like this needed to be said.
I can’t tell you how much I can relate to how you are feeling. I see a lot of myself in your words and although it probably doesn’t help all that much, know that you are NOT alone in feeling this way. I’m going through a somewhat similar situation and I can’t tell you how much I’m sick of feeling this way and that I feel like what I’m going through can’t even remotely compare to pretty much any other person’s problems.
I see that you are very much worried about your friend because they are going through a really tough time. Dealing with a suicide is one of the most difficult things one can go through because often we feel as if we could of done something. All you can do for your friend is to be there if they need someone to listen and assure them that everything will eventually be okay.
As for you, I want to tell you a few things – You know, you say that you constantly check these threads that upset you and you can’t seem to help it. I struggle with something similar and I know… I know it’s REALLY fucking hard to not give in and you feel compelled to do this. Maybe try this, look at it as “hey it’s been X amount of hours since I’ve looked, I really don’t need to go there” or set it in your mind that you’ll look when you get up and/or before you go to bed. Something like that, to try and control yourself so you don’t get as affected.
I know, for me personally, I tell myself “You’re not going to do this until bed time” and although I’ve only made that once, I did make it. And the result was still the same. You’re exactly right about it being an obsessive compulsion and it can be managed. Once the obsession is acted upon, I bet for a while you feel some sort of relief from your anxiety but then the pattern starts to repeat itself. That’s how it is for me, anyway.
You mention that you distract yourself with video games, hey me too. I’ve been trying to get back to that myself. Gaming is great to escape reality and mostly harmless. If you ever need someone to game with, I’ll give it a go.
Mainly, I know you’ve heard it a million times and so have I, but I really do think time will likely help with your situation. That, and a commitment to want take control of your emotions. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and I hope that you find peace.
Hang in there.