My friend approached me today, apparently one of his friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I am sad, sympathetic to him, and very, very worried about him.

Elsewhere, in my own life, the whole theology crisis I was going through has triggered some obsessive behavior and depression of my own for the past several months which have been horrible, and I’m sick and tired of it. I want to return to the intellectual equilibrium I had before this nonsense started, I have enough nuts and bolts real life problems, I don’t need this horseshot. I’m so sick of it. My friend has an actual issue in his life that’s beyond my imagining, and this OCD loop in my head and inexplicable obsession with repeatedly looking at things and returning to threads which I know will only have seriously upsetting effects on me is worsening when it shouldn’t even be an issue at all. I feel like shithead of the year while my friend has real problems, and I’m so sick of this crap. So sick of it. I want it fucking stop. I want my mind back to normal. I have to work tomorrow again. I want to be a normal, functional adult again before my parents start catching onto this. I have real-life problems with an unhappy job, wasted life, and actual problems in my real-world life. If I were stressing about those, maybe this might be more tolerable. I want to cry. I want my head to stop buzzing like a goddamn beehive. No long clicking threads and links I know will bother me would be a good start, but like a relapsing junkie who keeps licking at a scab, I keep going back it. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I go to my audiobooks and video games to distract myself like I used to. The last bout of anxiety eventually stopped, why won’t this one? Why have I been typing this crap until my thumbs get tired on an anonymous message board? Jesus Christ.

Sorry. I do feel slightly better. I’d just like to focus on actual problems like my friend’s instead of this pointless crap in my life. I’m so worried about him.