Well for starters, I’m pretty sure people making threads for their particular edits is a good enough place for individual feedback, so this thread is a little pointless.

But as for your clip, yeah I don’t think the voiceover works. For one thing, it’s just re-iterating dialogue we’ve already heard, and also, it kind of dumbs it down. What makes that scene great (the only scene from the prequels I would describe as “great”) is the relative silence of it. You get exactly what’s going on internally with these characters without them having to say a thing and without hearing any dialogue. Your voiceover thing reminds me of vader screaming “NO!!” at the end of ROTJ. The scene works best and is the most powerful in silence. The audience isn’t so stupid as to need to have every emotion and internal dialogue of the characters told to them verbally.