I know a fanedit is first to please the one who has made it, so here is only my opinion: it doesn’t work. I’m not mentioning the jarring sound montage here and there than you can fix in subsequent versions, I really mean the scene ordering you’ve chosen, as well as how you’ve redubbed (and subtitled) the vilains.
You have some good points about the changes. I might make some changes about the ordering of scenes, especially involving the Jedi sitting down. That’s definitely subject to change