I actually agree about the deathsticks exchange, and I do like Hal’s edit, but I just think he leaves in too many lines of dialogue that I know my group will have no tolerance for “That creep is gonna end up deep fried!” “So have you, grown more beautiful I mean” “You’ve come to the right place at the right time” “Dear!”, the silly lines from the techno union/banking clan etc. My preferred edit would probably be a sort of middle-ground between the two. I also think the way L8wrtr approaches the romance progression works better than the day-for-night kiss.