Entry Four

A shard of Ambria already festered within my soul. The Dark Side is a malignent thing. Meditative treatments would push back the symptoms, but that wasting sickness gradually spread across my mind, body, and spirit in the coming years.

Revan and Malak each broke the last seals of my innocence in their own ways, but only because I permitted them.

"Your choices shall determine too much for my comfort," Vox Aben had said.

The phantoms of the Sith Lords wanted me as a child and they have stalked me ever since. They lurk in the corners of my room now as I lie dying. One final choice of significance may remain to me after recording this book.

- - -

I dreamt I floated in a nebula. Sometimes flashing clouds parted and I glimpsed legions of stars, but the rolling evil bloomed again and blocked those promises of hope. I swam through fog to emptiness, making little visible progress in covering the great spans. Faces appeared around me in the nebula, their skin wrinkled and cracked, their eyes exploding suns. Burning chunks of planets formed their crowns and lightning their garments. Somehow I knew them to be lords from ages long passed. . . somehow I knew they hated me, but wanted me.

I sat up and screamed.

Vima came over and cradled me while projecting sedate feelings. She said that she understood if I chose to stay awake, but wanted me to relax.

Our cave was damp and cold. The fire was all but dead, our light coming from its embers. The other Jedi continued to sit cross-legged meditating, more present in the spiritual realm than here.

I snuggled up to Vima to soak in her bodily warmth. "What's the Dark Side?"

When she spoke, her voice was tentative. "You could feel the concentrated hate out there, the desire to conquer and destroy. You encountered its mind inside your dreams. That's the Dark Side."

"I want to fight the evil." I was braver with her by my side. Perhaps we would work in such harmony that we put those Jedi over there to shame. "Show me how."

Vima let out a breezy chuckle. "The external darkness fights and destroys itself more often than not. A Jedi's hardest battle is against their own heart."

I leaned away to face her. "You aren't going to let me help, are you?" My tone came out more hostile than intended.

Our rapport strained, Vima's mouth closed into a tighter line than normal and she looked away.

"Is this child driving you mad yet?"

I jolted with surprise and looked over to see Vox limping toward us.

I sensed a subtle flicker of shame from Vima as she got to her feet. "No, no. She wants to help us, is all."

Following her into standing, I crossed my arms and waited for Vox's response.

The quarren stopped in front of us. "Remember the breathing meditation, Bastila. Leave us to our duties while paying mind to yours."

I rolled my eyes. "My duty is to fall back to sleep? It's so dull here. I wanna do something."

"What did I say earlier?" Vima placed her hand on my head, caressed my scalp with her nails. "Keeping after your heart is every bit as important as what the rest of us are doing."

My child intuition told me that they shared a secret between the two of them. They were so adamant I sit and do nothing while they fought the darkness. Eventually I conceded and sat back down.

I brooded for the next several hours.

Shortly after the wait had become a kind of emotional torture, the Jedi rose to their feet and began shaking hands and exchanging congratulations. That was the first I paid any real note to the young blonde woman who pecked a kiss on Vima's cheek. The pair went for the cave exit, smiling and whispering.

I walked to Vox.

The quarren's tentacles sagged when he turned to me. "Master Sunrider is going to test the transponder on her wrecked ship."

"Something's bothering you, Vox."

"Your personal thoughts, worse than your nightmares, were an extra hurdle for our concentration. I am disappointed in you."

That hurt.

We left the cave to find the morning sky darkly overcast. Ponds of rainwater dotted the terrain. Lightning had blasted apart and charred many of the trunk-like rocks, some still smoking.

I was glad I put on Vima's cloak. It was too large for my petite size and the tail dragged in the mud behind me. But the air was cold and the breeze colder, fast reddening my nose and cheeks.

Vox led me up a ridge and to a flat where a squat, battered starship waited. Vima and the blonde descended the ramp.

"A commercial starliner is detouring to the system," Vima said. "They'll dispatch a shuttle for us.

I became so overjoyed at the news that I let out an involuntary squeak. A soft, unfamiliar voice entered my surface thoughts: "At last. We waited centuries to be free of this wasteland." I blinked a few times, bewildered at how distinct and separate from myself it had been.

"We remain vigilant until they arrive." Vox leaned his weight on his good leg. "We purged a fair portion of the Dark Side from this area, but it is yet strong. I recommend we commence with our meditations in the cave."

"Look, Vox!" The blonde woman stepped over to in front of me and leaned down. "Isn't your apprentice adorable in Vima's cloak?" She fussed with the collar.

I thought she must resent Vox for almost killing the mood.

"Give it to her, Vima," the woman said. "Let her grow into it."

And I was going to resent her if she kept speaking of me as if I was an infant. I yanked the cloak from myself and threw it over the blond.

"Hey, where did the world go?"

I ran behind her and slapped her butt.

She gasped and threw off the cover.

I was already running.

We three girls laughed and played chase on the flat while Vox stood and muttered about his lot in life.