I don't feel that I act any differently on here than I do in my daily life. I'm quiet around people I don't know, but I try to fight it. I've worked retail enough times, that I've gotten over my shyness. After I become used to people, I suppose one could say that I'm very talkative.
I have a deep love for music, and I've been playing it for years, but only close friends and family know anything of my ability. I struggle with self criticism. Part of me knows I'm a good guitarist, but another part of me says that I'm not at the level I want to be at. None of the bands I've been in have gotten to a point that we actually created something of our own. Too many jam groups and cover bands, no creators.
Growing up had a lot to do with it. Nearly every 2-3 years, my family would uproot and I'd have to start over. I never got a true sense of comradery among friends. Anytime I'd get close, I'd end up moving to another state, and losing contact with them. I've been in love many times, but I never let myself get in a serious relationship, because I was always afraid to lose them. I'm an adult now, and can make any decision I want, but I still have that fear wired into me.
Anxiety and depression is something that has slowly built up over the course of my life. I guess making the best of everything and trying to stay strong took it's toll. I had some pretty dark chapters of my life. I went from being the skinniest and smallest kid in class, to fairly chubby. I got a lot of flack for it. Everything from getting bullied, to abused in a way that I won't go into detail here. I was singled out in my school, and while I could handle myself in a fight, I was overwhelmed with a great deal of prejudice. It was for racial reasons. I was literally toying with the idea of wanting to die at an early age. I'm a Christian, so suicide was something I would never consider. I used to sing, and even sang in front of my entire school. The bullying made me too self conscious to do that.
My faith wasn't a way out for me at that time. I was in such a dark place in my life, that I was pretty cold. I pushed everything away. I had so much pain in my heart, that I had no room for love of anybody but my close family. I didn't even love myself. I got to the point that I didn't want to hear anything religious. I wasn't opening myself up to God at that time.
I dropped out of school. It was a bad decision. I went from being an occasional smoker to a heavy smoker. I would eat anything and everything. I locked myself in a room with my cigarettes and just lived in video games. I escaped to the worlds in those video games. I also spent hours upon hours playing guitar. I would play till my fingers were a mess. I'd rest my fingertips by going right back to the video games.
My health declined substantially. Then one day, I felt my heart race, and my chest hurt. I yelled for my family to call an ambulance. My sister was in medical school at the time, and told me I was having a panic attack. That panic attack was the single scariest point in my life. I feared having another one so bad that I had more panic attacks.
I realize now it was a wake-up call that I wasn't on a good path in my life. It scared me into taking care of myself. I started running everyday to try to burn off all that energy. I learned that the more I ran, the less likely it would be that I would have an attack. I dropped the bad food, the smoking, the gaming. I went back to school, and finished it up. I got in great shape, and became addicted to the exercise. I also started trying to live closer to God. I still have issues with anxiety and depression, but I don't let it rule my life.
Right now, I'm trying to be positive during these frustrating times. Not because I've failed, or because I'm scared. I guess I'm just lacking in patience. I'm really putting music in the forefront again. Dipping my toes into my local music scene. Getting an idea of what I want to do. I'm done with thinking I'm not good enough. I will be successful if I can start making music with like-minded people. Don't care if 500 hundred or 5 people like it. I'm done playing with people who want to jam. I'm going after people who live for music.
I am back to eating less than healthy food, but I do try to opt for healthier options when I can. I don't jog much anymore, cause Texas. My weight is still quite a bit lower than it was as a teen. I actually can wear my favorite jacket from when I was 12. I can even wear my boy scouts uniform. I was pretty hefty.