Good concept: occupation from the start, Alderaan, Marya.

But I see what you did there. Having Obi Wan and Organa together at the start, is a nice contrast with ANH. But I do hope the story departs from the model in more significant ways.

I would make some stylistic changes to the crawl, most substantively, I wonder at the importance of these dissident agents? It sounds like maybe we should follow their story? But then we're off to two people running over to a nearby shipyard to convey a warning, which is less exciting.

Marya and Kenobi are on Alderaan? Again, I like the concept and think it's starting in a good place, I'm just a bit confused by the sort of outline the crawl is supposed to establish.

I would avoid using "Legate," at least in the title, because we're going to think it's her name. "Princess" worked because it created an impression in the mind that everyone could understand.

I do hope you can post scenes soon.