I have a large family too, but I am not terribly familiar with anyone beyond my most immediate family. I have not seen many cousins for years. As a result, though I hear of various good and bad happenings among them, it's hard to feel connected. So in other words, I do not believe your feelings are wrong in any way; it's hard to mourn for someone you know is related, but is in many respects a stranger. Yet at the same time, that blood relation, that knowledge and even vague familiarity, still make it hard to deal with. I am so sorry for your cousin and for the emotional turmoil this is causing for you. Four stories make for a high fall, and it's a miracle he is alive at this moment. My prayers are with you and your family, especially for your cousin. I'm not sure how you stand on things, so I'll keep it vague and simply state that I hope whatever is best for him comes to pass. I'm truly sorry.