^Only in this universe. In other universes --
*DuracellEnergizer hears an ominous noise, turns around in his chair, and sits there like a stuffed bird as big, burly thugs in black ski masks kick down his door*
*DuracellEnergizer finally breaks out of his stupor and tries to rise, but then one of the thugs clubs him over the head with a billy club*
*DuracellEnergizer collapses atop his laptop, crushing it in the process*
...
