I think you need to seek real help. You are letting something that happened to you years ago control the way you live your life and you are thinking about hurting other people to get even and you don't think there is anything wrong with this or you have any power to control it.

I am not trying to be insulting I am speaking as someone who has had to have my own problems treated and had to learn about this stuff and how messed up it can make you. What you describe in this thread sounds like it could be a real psychological problem and again without trying to insult you or dismiss your view point I urge you to seek help.

I am not saying you will flip out and go on a killing spree or that you are unable to function in the real world. I am just saying it sounds an awful lot like you have issues that have been effecting your quality of life for a long time and it you could use some help dealing with them.

Believe me I know how hard it is to seek help. I refused to get help when everyone around me told me I needed help for years and it nearly killed me.

You seem like a nice guy if you are having the kinds of problems and fantasies you describe in this thread please talk to someone professional to at least see if they think you need help before it hurts you or someone else.