Then really try to look on the bright side, Possessed. Get yourself a hobby or something you can really get into to make life seem better. Maybe join some community group or something and make some friends. You sound like you need them now more than ever. Rather than blaming yourself or examining your mental state, however bad it may be, just work on improving yourself. Set some goals and work towards them so that you're thinking about the future and not getting stuck on the present and past.