RicOlie_2 said:
I have a few nitpicks once again (that's what I'm best at :)):
1. Holochess is properly termed "dejarik".
Holochess does have its own entry on Wookieepedia apart from dejarik.
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Holochess
And besides, it's a Star Trek reference; three-dimensional dejarik wouldn't be derivative enough. ;-)
2. They have cassettes in Star Wars?!
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Cassette
I personally don't think they're like real-world cassettes, though, with spools of tape and the like.
3. You use a lot of earthisms, which makes sense because they're speaking English and Star Wars is known to do that, but I think you should add some "Starwarisms" as well.
I don't actually see the peoples of the Known Regions speaking English in-universe -- not modern English, at any rate; if they do speak English, it's an English that been evolving off of Earth for thousands of years with heavy influences from alien languages.
You're right, though -- I should be adding more "Starwarsisms".
For example, instead of Bail calling Wahr Blahr (is that a tribute to Warbler? :D) a "stupid son of a b****", he could call him a "stupid son of a gundark" or a "mynock-brained hair slug [or mynock-brained idiot, if you don't want to make the Starwarisms seem too forced]".
I thought about it, but I wanted to express just how upset Bail was -- making him say something along the lines of what you suggested would have put a damper on the gravity of his emotional turmoil IMO.
And yes, Wahr Blahr is a tribute to Warbler (didn't the sighing give it plainly away?) ;-)
4. Anything graphically violent or of sexual nature that isn't appropriate for kids makes it feel a lot less like Star Wars.
I assume you're referring to the scene where Zull gets attacked by the Mandalorian and/or where she fries his brain in revenge.
Truth is that I never really planned for the rape scene to happen; I was planning to have Zull experience more mundane tortures like in the torture chamber and the like, with any threats of sexual abuse remaining as that -- threats. In the process of development, though, I was having trouble developing her story and bringing her to a point which would logically lead her to embracing the dark side, so -- on the spur of the moment -- I wrote the scene.
I knew it was going to be a controversial issue with the script when I wrote it, and it isn't a scene I found comfortable writing, but I wrote it nevertheless and it'll remain in the script until/unless I can come up with a milder alternative that carries as much emotional weight.
I do like to think that if the scene were realized on the big screen, though, it would rate a PG-13 at worst, with the nastier events left to the imagination to figure out. I don't know it that makes it easier to stomach, but I do like to think that I'm not crossing the boundary between acceptable/unacceptable violence too far with my script.
As for the mind-fry scene, I suppose that could cross the boundary into more R-rated territory; It all depends on how much blood you visualize coming out of his wounds, though (it's a homage to Stargate, though, so I had to put it in regardless ;-)).
At any rate, you can rest assured that I don't plan on adding any more scenes like these to either the rest of this script or the scripts of my Ep. II & III rewrites to come.
Otherwise, good job. I like the way you portray hyperspace travel and I thought you did a good job getting Anakin off Tatooine. I like that you have Mandalorians and I think the aspects you take from the prequels work well.
Thanks.
As a kid, before seeing the prequels, I envisioned the Mandalorians as being largely non-Force-sensitive rivals of the Jedi who had, for lack of a better term, a blood feud with them. I never got to see these or any Mandalorians whatsoever in the PT, and the subsequent EU watered them down, so I decided to compensate by making Mandalorians -- Mandalorians close to how I originally envisioned them -- the villains in one of my prequel rewrites (they won't be the enemies in my Ep. II or Ep. III rewrites, though; I need to show the infamous Clone Masters and concentrate of Anakin's initiation into the Sith eventually).
As for the prequel bits, I've always felt there was there were a lot of little good bits scattered throughout all the crap; they just needed to be freed from the mire and polished a little.
I have to say I liked the prequels' Kaminoans, but what you did is just fine as well. I wouldn't have missed them if they never happened.
Well, the Kaminoans do exist in my universe -- kind of. Instead of being called Kaminoans and being cloners, though, they're known as the Shipwrights, and they serve as the emissaries for a mysterious civilization from the Unknown Regions who supplies the peoples of the Known Regions with hyperdrive technology. They're basically the SW equivalent of the Dune Universe's Spacing Guild.
They probably won't be appearing in my prequel trilogy, though.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next installment. :)
Pretty soon, the seperate stories of Obi-Wan and Anakin, Siri, and Zull are going to intertwine, and I'm going to introduce Anakin's future wife (she won't be a major character, though; the story already has enough ;-)).