Well, there's a lot wrong with your version...

First of all, you've used all the wrong fonts. The Lucasfilm logo has to use "FuturaLT Bold", "A long time ago..." has to use "TradeGothic Bold No. 2" and the crawl has to use "NewsGothic Bold". The SW logo starts way too big, is missing it's black fill and the words are all at the same size (while in the original GUERRA and GALAXIAS are bigger then the rest). You've used a font for the SW logo, which is never a good idea, as it doesn't include the correct "joints" between letters. Also the crawl is stretched way too much and everything is missing that "optical composition" look with gate weave and bleeding edges.

Have a look:

I will upload all my international intros soon, so that people can use them in their projects.