A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… one epic romance yawned its way into an already weakened saga.
LITTLE HALF-ORPHAN Ani has now grown up and sets about wooing the woman he fell in love with when he was about five or something, channelling the power of the Wookiees into a romance so tedious and forced, even wooden acting and riding HELIUM-FILLED cattle cannot prevent former Queen Padmé Naberrie Amidala-soon-to-be-Skywalker-Jeez-how-many-names-does-this-sodding-woman-want, from falling for his petulant, adolescent and magical fruit-cutting charms.
With evil Dook Dooku unleashing a spot of bother across the galaxy with robots, love struck Ani wastes no time in complaining about SAND, utterly failing to follow simple instructions like staying put, and badmouthing everyone from Obi-Wan Kenobi to Sandpeople to hard-working politicians who’ve never done anything to him. With his unerring knack for not actually succeeding at very much, Ani fails to save his mother, first loses and then breaks his lightsaber, gets very easily captured, and loses an arm in the course of setting up an epic final confrontation between a bunch of INSECT THINGS, Dook Dooku’s robots, Mace F*%#!$@ Windu and a few clones of some random bounty hunter.
If only the Great Ric Olié had been there to bear witness to and describe these historical events for us all, I’m SURE he would have done so in a way that one that bore witness to these historical events and wanted to describe them for us all would have done.
A Jedi shall not know anger… unless he’s watched Episode 1. A Jedi shall not know hatred… unless he’s met Jar Jar. A Jedi shall not know love… of this film. A Jedi SHALL know ridiculousness… Now there are two of them.