Trooperman said:
God is anywhere good is. Everything good is from God. Everything bad is from the devil.
But why?
Why would you believe this to be the case? It is so simplistic, and dare I say, silly. It is Saturday morning kids cartoon sort of simplistic (and by saying that, I feel like I am being way too harsh on Saturday morning kids cartoons). And still, why? What reason do you have to believe everything good comes from God, and everything evil comes from the devil? The Bible tells you? As we've seen the last few pages, almost every Christian here takes a very different stance on how seriously to take the Bible. Because you know God exists by this warm fuzzy feeling you get in your heart? Maybe that is just taking comfort in the thought that you have a giant invisible friend who has got your back, and who you can take reassurance that people who do "evil" things will always have to pay in the end.
When I was a little kid, I had an imaginary friend. When I got in fights with other kids at pre-school, or when somebody was picking on me, I'd go off to be by myself and I'd talk to my imaginary friend. We'd tell jokes, and laugh, and together we'd make fun of the kids who were being mean to me. That other kid may have been bigger than me, and totally ripped that waffle block from my hands, but now me and my imaginary buddy were whispering about how weird his nose looks. I got genuine comfort from this. At least I always had him to talk to, at least he always understood me.
At some point I grew up enough to realize an imaginary friend was silly, and that I needed to make real friends rather than retreat to be alone anytime I got uncomfortable. I remember lying in bed talking to my friend and telling him it was time to go. I imagined him slowly, sadly, dramatically riding away on his horse (Yes, he had a horse. I got to ride it sometimes! He had a dog too). As he rode away tears began uncontrollably rolling down my face and my heart felt crushed. I clutched my blanket tightly to my chest and cried myself to sleep.
I was so very small, but I remember this farewell so very clearly. Emotional attachment, feelings of comfort, those things don't mean something is real. I had the advantage of knowing my friend wasn't real, because I made him up myself.
It took me a long time to make the leap from theist to agnostic. It had been hammered into me from a young age. Bible stories at bedtime, Sunday school each week, say your prayers before bedtime and at every meal. I often felt guilty when I'd fall asleep before I finished praying. Sometimes I'd nod off in the middle of my prayer, and then I'd apologize and start over. It seemed unspeakably rude to nod off while talking to the creator and ruler of the Universe.
I spent a period of time still being a "theist" while not really believing before I became comfortable enough to admit to myself I was an agnostic. I went to church every Sunday, and I still prayed sometimes. One night, I met this really fun and attractive blond, we hit it off and talked for hours. Eventually we went back to her place, stayed up half the night watching movies, started making out, and things escalated. I woke up beside her the next morning, the sun shining golden on her curly hair and reflecting off the smooth skin of her naked body. I felt overwhelmed with warmth, excitement, happiness, anticipation. As it should be. No guilt. I'd always felt guilt in the past, even when things didn't go anywhere near as far as they had gone the night before. That day I was able to admit to myself that I was agnostic.
My dad would probably call that, "Searing your conscious with a hot iron", i.e., I finally desensitized myself to the point that I didn't feel guilty about it.
I feel that it had more to do with getting over my separation anxiety with an imaginary friend, one that I was unable to let go of until adulthood.
This one was a lot harder than that first one I said goodbye to back in pre-school. I didn't make this one up, somebody else did. Everyone I knew still talked to and about this one. From infancy on up, this imaginary friend had been pressed upon me. And, yeah, he brought me a lot of comfort in the past, just like the one I had in pre-school. When something is so deeply enculterated into you, it can be really hard to let go of and move on from.
When people talk about knowing in their heart that God is real, it is hard for me to forget that, I too, felt that way once. All my life my skeptical brain questioned him and doubted, but I couldn't let go, there was always this nagging feeling inside me. This separation anxiety from a concept deeply saturated in my culture and in my upbringing.
Looking back I know that is all it ever was. It was a grown up version of that little kid who cried his eyes out when he said goodbye to his imaginary friend, this time, doubting his own doubt, and having a hard time dropping a concept he was closely surrounded by all his life.
I used to have many Muslim friends. One in particular I was close enough with to have religious conversations. "How can you be so sure Allah is real?" I once asked him. "Because", he smiled warmly, "I can feel in my heart that he is real."