Shit. You need considerably more help than anyone here can give you.

Not saying that to make you feel alienated. You're not alone. A lot of people suffer from depression like this. So many others go through this kind of hell. Some worse than others. But I hope you realize you really need help. Don't fool yourself into thinking you deserve to be miserable. You don't! Sounds like you've been getting counseling and medical help. Good. Stick with it. If you feel like it isn't helping, branch out to different doctors and find one who knows what he/she is doing, but don't give up.

You're not that weird, unique, or unusual. A lot of people get dealt this kind of sucky hand and have to deal with it.