So I just walk up to them in the middle of the game, conversation, whatever they were deeply involved in and just ask them about Magic? I don't know...I feel like if I do that then they will think there is something wrong with me in my head.
I'm scared they might write me off right then and there. If I had something ready to say to them, I wouldn't be sitting here after two years and still not know any of their names. I always feel unwanted, hated, and guilty. I am the kind of person whose first reaction to hearing about anything bad happening anywhere in the world is to think of all the ways in which I could be responsible. As nuts as this might sound, I do not entirely discount the notion that I was somehow responsible for what happened to the Twin Towers. And Hurricane Katrina. And earthquakes. And wars. These are the things that run in my head and make me think "Who would ever want to be friends with someone like me? Or invite me to anything?"
And I have posted these kinds of topics in other forums across the Internet and ranted at relatives, close friends from high school, psychiatric counselors, and psycho-therapists endlessly for the past three or four years. Not much has changed so far. Except that I no longer engage in self-harm with a razor, as I did all throughout January. Now sometimes I hit myself with blunt objects.
I went to a local meetup of Firefly fans today and I still felt mostly like a wallflower. I don't know if I should even bother going back to that group. They didn't hate me or anything, I don't give people reasons to hate me. But I just couldn't justify opening my mouth for most of the occasion because I sincerely believed that I was incapable of offering anything of value. Especially when people there started talking about jobs and romantic relationships. I haven't had any actual experience in other of those two things. I truly felt like an alien from another world. Like I was divorced from humanity because I had no ability to connect with others in those ways.
There was only really one person there to whom I felt any kind of friendliness. Luckily I happened to be sitting next to him the whole time. That's generally the way it works with me. I tend to find 1-3 "partners in crime" and just ignore everybody else at the event.
But then people said things to each other that were not as witty or well-timed as what I had planned out in my head, and that kept infuriating me. I try to make poignant and well-placed comments, absolutely avoiding as many cliches as possible. But these other people were getting away with ignoring those standards. And that made me want to take a broken beer bottle to someone's jugular.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all my bitching and moaning on the Internet is that I want to become a real adult. Not a twenty-year-old child with a driver's license. A real grown-up, with a job and who regularly has sex (the genuine kind, not the financial transaction kind).
Another thing that I have heard is that I have to stop thinking about myself all the time and I have to stop hating myself. I agree with the first part but I cannot see the sense behind the second part. I honestly feel like I deserve to be hated and tortured.
I vaguely remember feeling differently, feeling better than I do now. It was in all the years before my high school graduation. I remember the moment I started to feel dead inside. It was a few weeks into May of 2010. I woke up one morning and I felt this awful stillness in me. I felt chemically different from the way I had felt all my life previously. I looked up at the ceiling and just kept blankly staring at it, content to rot away forever on my mattress. Before I would have been too restless and full of energy. But from then on a little voice has been gnawing away at my mind saying "What is the fucking point? There's a train station near your apartment. Go jump in front of the southbound train and get this 'living' shit overwith!" I now realize that that was the first time I tasted depression. But now I want it all to change for the sake of my own sanity.