Having looked over the clip several times, I think I've decided that the HUD is a big no no, especially the bit on the left. I find it quite distracting as it hovers near the face of the point of focus (the guy being choked) and is in front of him much of the time.

Something between what you have now and none at all will give it that scifi feel without it feeling so obtrusive. Maybe just remove the left part and keep the vertical text on the right. Or maybe just keep the outline to differentiate it from our own real world screens. The way I see it, Vader's the boss and that screen is just to give orders. He way be a great tactician and pilot when the situation calls for it, but when it comes to the screen in his meditation chamber I think it should be a straightforward way to give face to face orders. Nothing else.