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Tales of woe at which the reader is permitted to laugh

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I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said "There is nothing more cheerful than listening to a tale of woe at which the listener is permitted to laugh"

So as we could all do with some cheering up from time to time, I'll kick off the tales of woe while giving you permission to laugh with this:

I was invited to the wedding of the girl I always secretly wanted to marry.

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 (Edited)

 

Thanks for the permission but it's just not funny enough to laugh at/with.

It needs more detail to be a funny story, it more a random unfortunate detail from your perspective (on the plus side you are well regarded enough by this young lady to be invited to her wedding, assuming she doesn't just want to rub your nose in it).

I relate this story every once in a while so forgive me if you have heard it before.

I had just moved and was wrapping a present for a friend. I was using garden furniture to sit on while I waited for my new chairs to arrive and I hadn't introduced myself to the neighbours yet.

It was a sunny spring day and I had the French windows open.

In from the backyard flew a fly which painfully flew straight into my ear.

It was right next to my eardrum so everytime it tried to fly out again the sound was like a road drill in my skull.

It was also pointing in the wrong direction and presumably didn't have enough room to turn.

I like animals, even flies so my first instinct was not murder but to try and use gravity and light to guide the creature to a safe escape from my body.

I tried to knock it out of my ear but I instead hit myself of the door frame.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.

After about an hour of this I was frustratedly shouting such things as, "Please get out of my head!" and "Why won't you just DIE?", which upon reflection was not the sort of introduction I would want my new neighbours to have from myself.

Bzzzzzzzzzzz.

I thought maybe it would come out if I had a bath (like those plugs of water do) so I tried this and while in the bath I held my head under the water for a long time. I would surface and have a few moments of blissful silence.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Eventually the water got cold and I had to pick up these chairs so I tried phoning a friend of mine who is a nurse but I got through to his wife who had just moved over from India and didn't speak English too well.

I tried to explain that there was an immortal insect lodged in my skull but the message hadn't quite translated.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz.

After dressing I went to the furniture shop.

While I was in the queue Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (this time it was mobile phone).

It was my friend's wife's brother (who is also a friend).

He got this weird phone call from his sister saying I had hurt my face.

I then explained to him about the fly and while I was telling him the other people in the queue began to look a bit strange and pale.

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

A little old lady in the shop turned to me and said, "I think I heard your fly".

I went to the pharmacy to see if they could recommend something.

As I had just moved I wasn't yet registered with a GP but the pharmacist said there was one not far from there and if I was quick I might get an emergency consultation.

I ran to the doctor's and they were about to close up and leave.

I explained my problem and my wish for it to end as soon as possible.

At first the doctor was going to fob me off with the A&E department of the local hospital but I convinced her to give it a go first.

She took out her Otoscope and had a good look.

"Oh yeah, I can see it, big too but I think it's dead".

Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

She dropped the Otoscope and screamed.

She got an ear syringe and a kidney dish.

She flooded my ear and held the dish next to lobe to catch what came out.

I was relieved to not hear the noise anymore and the doctor said it was gone but... the corpse didn't land in the dish so either it fell out somewhere else or...

 

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No you misunderstand .. It's not a thread for funny stories, just brief tales of woe ! But tales not looking for sympathy, resolution, or a shrink, just a shrug of the shoulders , a laugh or "whaddya goin to do?". But shouting "get out of my head" was funny.

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Yeah but the laugh bit laserdisc my old pal.

You can only laugh at something that's funny and if laughter isn't a possible outcome why do we need permission to laugh?

Come back with a tale of woe worth laughing at... permit us to laugh and then give us a buzz.

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Maybe the permission is for this sort of laughing:

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I laugh at your lack of a Scooby Doo avatar.

This chap matches your forum handle, sorry it's not one of the classic baddies but...

 

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My goodness Bingo, I hope your hearing wasn't damaged by that infernal insect. That's one of my fears, to have a bug fly into my ear and not come out. I've recently had to deal with blood coming out me left ear, that was quite a scare. No more q-tips from now on, I swear!

I don't know what scares me the most, potentially losing my hearing or losing my sight.

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For me the former as my hairy palms and strong wrists will attest to.

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So I was hastily typing an email apologizing for having to re-arrange an interview.

Outlook's spelling check picked up a typo, and gave an alternative, which I accepted without looking.

I ended up apologizing to the young lady in HR for the incontinence.

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Bingowings said:

For me the former as my hairy palms and strong wrists will attest to.

True dat, I've already got glasses, after all.

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Moth3r said:

So I was hastily typing an email apologizing for having to re-arrange an interview.

Outlook's spelling check picked up a typo, and gave an alternative, which I accepted without looking.

I ended up apologizing to the young lady in HR for the incontinence.

You are assuming she hadn't noticed the incontinence right?

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Heh! Now I've got a scooby avatar. Thanks!


Here's another tale of woe:

I woke up really groggy on a birthday , saw a birthday card and became really depressed saying 'Oh no.. I'm 30 today' then as I became less groggy I realised I was 34.



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Isn't that Jabberjaw? He ain't no Scooby-Doo villain! Did you go to the wedding?

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Nobody ever suspects jabberjaw!

Yes, I  went to the wedding and in fact now she has some kids. I've known her since I was 16, and so one day I'll probably get one of her kids a 16th birhday present and write a country & western song about it!

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I forgot to tie my drawstring before a high school swimming race. I dived in, lost my pants, momentarily stopped, decided (for some reason) to keep going, and came third.

After explaining to the official (an elderly lady) why I couldn't get out, I had to stand naked at the end of the pool until she got my towel, and then put it on while I was still in the water.

No "secret keel" jokes, please :P

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Howard says :

I'll have a think about it and won't let you know.

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 (Edited)

I once thought I saw a mouse in my bedroom closet. I spent hours afterward scanning the area with shifty eyes, baseball bat gripped tightly in my sweaty hands, but no member of Mus musculus ever turned up.

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^ Pic got stuck loading and only showed the hair. I was expecting Fox Mulder...

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doubleKO said:


^ Pic got stuck loading and only showed the hair. I was expecting Fox Mulder...
http://subtlebluntness.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/mulder_scully_finger.jpg

:p

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 (Edited)

^^ Obvious fake. I spent months watching the entire run of The X-Files, and not once did I see that scene in any of the episodes.























;-)

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 (Edited)

You must've seen the Special Editions. They replaced Mulder's and Scully's middle fingers with walkie-talkies.

Every 27th customer will get a ball-peen hammer, free!

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laserdisc said:

I was invited to the wedding of the girl I always secretly wanted to marry.

That's what you get for being secretive about it!