418
00:45:51,514 --> 00:45:57,217
You just watch yourself. We’re wanted men.
I have the death sentence on 12 systems.
^^You could spell out "twelve" here to bring it more in line with other parts where you spell out the number-word (seventeen, ninety-four -- although I would vote for leaving "Docking Bay 94" alone). Or would that make the line too long?
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590
01:00:39,405 --> 01:00:41,807
Terminate her immediately.
^^There's an audible pause between "her" and "immediately." Should there be a comma, or even a period here?
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592
01:00:50,115 --> 01:00:51,715
What the...
^^Should this have a question mark?
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658
01:06:31,822 --> 01:06:33,858
Between his howling and your blasting
everything in sight...
^^"You know(,) between his howling..."
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843
01:22:26,103 --> 01:22:30,906
...on unit number...where are we?
3263827!
^^Would it be more readable with dashes? "3-2-6-3-8-2-7!"
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1013
01:42:20,509 --> 01:42:23,709
Estimated time to firing range,
15 minutes.
^^Could spell out "fifteen" here, like with the "twelve" above. I would leave "30 minutes" as it is, and you already have "five minutes," "seven minutes," and "one minute" spelled out. I suppose 15/fifteen is somewhat of a judgment call, but you do spell out "fifteen" earlier when Han and Obi-Wan are haggling in the cantina.
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Also, several of the italic parts don't have closing tags. I don't know if that was intentional or not -- some programs (VLC) handle this just fine, but others (SubtitleEdit) don't display them as italic without the closing tag.
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Getting in to Empire now, I notice the same missing closing tags on some of the italics parts. Sometimes they'll be there, sometimes they won't. Sometimes when both lines in a cluster are italicized the first one will have a closing tag, then the second has another open tag but no closing (I'm pretty sure you just need one at the beginning of the first line and the end of the second one, at least in SubtitleEdit -- not sure how HandBrake handles that, which is what I'll eventually be doing with these.)
Sometimes when a ship name or emphasized word comes at the end of a sentence you put the punctuation inside the italic tags, and sometimes outside them (e.g. "You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?" vs. "You've never heard of the Millennium Falcon?") Is there a recognized standard for this? I've been leaving the punctuation in the same format as the rest of the sentence, and only italicizing the words before it, but I notice some commercial DVDs will also italicize the punctuation if the last word is italic, even when most of the sentence is not.
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66
00:08:15,895 --> 00:08:18,095
Then I’ll see you in hell!
^^"Hell" is not capitalized here. Is that on purpose because it's not supposed to represent the Earth-centric religious idea of Hell, or was that simply an oversight?
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217
00:27:19,436 --> 00:27:22,636
Go for the legs. It might be
our only chance of stopping them.
^^You have this line italicized like he's talking through the radio, but he's not. The visual cuts to another pilot (or is that just his rear gunner?) halfway through the line, but I feel the line is still coming "from" Luke, not from the other pilot's radio. Is it just because he's offscreen that you have it italicized?
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msycamore said:
25900:30:27,925 --> 00:30:30,125
Well, set harpoon.
I’ll cover for you.
could it be?
We’ll set harpoon. I’ll cover for you.
I think it's "Well" as in "Are you ok? Good. Well, then, get to it." Luke has lost his gunner here, so his harpoon can't be set. There's no "we" about it, he's just telling the other guy to set his harpoon.
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261
00:33:06,083 --> 00:33:09,117
– Distance to power generators?
– 17.28.
^^The line is spoken here as "One-seven decimal two-eight." I can get behind "Clear bay 327" when he says "three twenty-seven" in the first film (there are several more like that too, spoken over the Death Star's PA), but this one I feel needs the number words.
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358
00:45:32,329 --> 00:45:34,429
After all, I’m only trying
to do my job in the most...
^^The ellipsis (three dots) like you have here indicates the speaker trailing off, while a dash indicates them being interrupted. Do you think that would be more appropriate here? He may or may not continue speaking on the other side of the door, but what we actually hear is interrupted when it closes.
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430
00:51:49,906 --> 00:51:51,906
No, you’re not. You’re—
^^She doesn't get very far through the "you're" here. Following with your pattern of using partial words when someone gets cut off, this could be "No, you're not. You—" or even "No, you're not. Y—"
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558
01:05:36,279 --> 01:05:41,000
Sir, we have a priority signal
from the Star Destroyer Avenger.
^^I broke this into two clusters so that I could fit in the commander's response. It's perfectly readable, to me this way, but I don't know if it fits your criteria, you might still want to leave it out. The first line is still on screen for over 1.5 seconds.:
558
01:05:36,279 --> 01:05:37,830
Sir, we have a priority signal...
559
01:05:37,831 --> 01:05:41,000
— ...from the Star Destroyer Avenger.
— Right.
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682
01:18:22,477 --> 01:18:26,177
Permission granted to land
on Platform 3-2-7.
^^This time you do use the dashes, and this time I'm not sure they belong. Like with the assignments over the Death Star PA in the first film, this could probably just be "Platform 327."
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...more to come!