xhonzi said:
Just an observation from someone who's spent a lot of time thinking about stories and how to write them- Story is not just a sequence of things happening. It's about something. Figure out what your story is about, then use scenes to build that something.
I know that. I've known that for years. I said in the post that this was only the first part of the story.
The rest of it IS about something: trying to save the Rats' Village from the rising river, caused by an evil cloud. The following quote is copied from my first post:
My latest plot involves a dark, rodent-eating cloud that swallowed not just Jonathan, but also Nicodemus and Jenner, etc.
That's the "something" this story was about. Was being the keyword.
Originally, the story continued like so:
Justin and the Rats' chief engineer, Arthur, assemble two search parties. One of them goes upstream, to see if the rising was caused by a new or increased source of water, and the other goes downstream, to see if the rising was caused by a dam being built. Neither team came back positive. There was no logical reason for the river to rise. This was very puzzling.
In another meeting, Racso has an idea: dam up the river to stop the flow. Justin thought idea had merit, and said that they would try it.
Later, on a slope near the river, the adult rats and Mrs. Brisby are piling rocks onto a large plank propped up by a stick. Once enough rocks were piled, the weight of the rocks would break the sticks, and the rocks would tumble into the river, hopefully blocking the flow.
Racso, against his will, had to stay behind. However, he sneaked away to where the dam was being made to find a way to help. He ends up RIGHT IN THE LINE OF FIRE of the rocks. Mrs. Brisby and Justin try desperately to save Racso. Justin saves Racso, but Mrs. Brisby got crushed by a rock. She was killed.
That night, Racso found out that his latest stunt had single-handedly orphaned four young mice. Teresa, Martin, and Cynthia would be sent back to the Fitzgibbons' farm, and Timothy would stay at Thorn Valley to complete his education. Then he, too, would be sent to the Fitzgibbons' farm. After Teresa, Martin, and Cynthia left, Racso is overcome with grief and regret.
In the middle of the night, a dark cloud with a flickering red core comes to the Rats' dam. It extends two pseudopods to the dam, and the dam collapses, letting the river continue to rise freely. Then, it hovers over Mrs. Brisby's corpse not too far off, and begins to consume it.
Later, Racso is flying on Jeremy to see the Great Owl, with suicide on his mind. When he gets to the Owl's hole in the tree, he finds it deserted until the Owl suddenly swoops down and lands. The Owl had just finished feeding, so he had no purpose in killing Racso. But the Owl did say that Mrs. Brisby was alive, though he won't tell how he knows this. He tells Racso that the next time he sees Mrs. Brisby, he must do whatever she tells him to do, if Thorn Valley was to be rescued. The Owl then goes to sleep, and Racso leaves the Owl with a new purpose.
Meanwhile, Mrs. Brisby wakes up inside the cloud. Nicodemus, a wise old rat Mrs. Brisby knew had died, is with her. Nicodemus tells Mrs. Brisby that the cloud is evil, and must be stopped. He tells her that the cloud consumes and revives dead rodent corpses (including Nicodemus, Jenner, and Mrs. Brisby's husband, Jonathan) and uses their life to support its own. Nicodemus tells Mrs. Brisby how to stop the cloud. It involves Hawk's eggs and The Stone. (The Stone is the golden necklace with the ruby in the center) Nicodemus has enough energy to open a hole in the cloud big enough only for a mouse to go through. Mrs. Brisby goes through it, and ends up on a cliff near a hawk's nest (which, at the time, only carried three eggs) at dawn.
Racso was scurrying back to the Rat Village nearby, and Mrs. Brisby calls to him. She tells him that they need to get the nest down from the cliff. Racso complies and heads back to Thorn Valley, while Mrs. Brisby is stuck way up on the cliff, with no way to get down.
After Racso returns to the Rat Village, he tries to get Justin's help, but to no avail. Racso tells his friend, Christopher, about it, and Christopher wants to show him something.
Christopher leads Racso to a cave deep in the woods, and shows him two human children. A small one named Artie and a large, fat one named Margaret. After a bit of written communication between the rats and the children, they agree that the children could live with the rats if the children helped save the Rats' Village.
So, if you've read RT, Margaret, and the Rats of NIMH, you'll probably guess that Margaret is the one to scale the cliff and bring down the nest and Mrs. Brisby.
After that, the children are brought to the Rat Village. The plan was that they would stay there until their family was found. After that they would KEEP THIS PLACE A SECRET.
The next day, Justin is walking through the woods with a rat named Beatrice, when he notices that the water is rising even more rapidly than before. They run back to the village to evacuate the rats.
The Rat Village is evacuated as the water rises. They just barely get everyone out safely. Racso ends up using The Stone to drain the flood and use whatever the Hawk's eggs were for to destroy the cloud. (Stupid and absurd, isn't it? I might just cut out the whole RT Margaret thing altogether)
Immediately after Racso saves Thorn Valley, all of the Cloud's captives fall to the ground unconscious. Mrs. Brisby is ecstatic to see Jonathan again. Racso sees his father, Jenner. Jenner wakes up, and is more interested in The Stone than his own son. There is a fist-fight between Jenner and Justin. Jenner ends up meeting a second death.
After that, Artie and Margaret are found by their parents. With their parents, was Dr. Schultz, who just so happened to be camping with them. Dr. Schultz swiftly captures as many of the Rats as he could, among which are Justin, Brutus, and Racso. Also captured were Jonathan and Mrs. Brisby.
At NIMH, Dr. Schultz put his latest captures into cages that even the super-intelligent, super-strong Rats of NIMH couldn't escape from. Dr. Schultz had been obsessed with finding the Rats for the past five/six years, and now, he was finally able to complete the experiments. A final injection was given to the Rats to give them the ability to talk. The very first thing was said by Justin: cursing directed at Dr. Schultz.
After this, there are many goings-on, one of which bringing the Rats issue to court (?) and then a happy ending of some sort.
So there you have it, the rest of the story. If you aren't familiar with Secret of NIMH, then you may not get what's going on, but you should get the general idea. C. R. A. P.
The reason I don't like this is at all because I wrote it. If anything strikes you as stupid, please, let me know. I wanna know JUST how bad I am at writing.